Nothing."
That's the answer I always give whenever someone asks what I want to do after graduation (which is starting to happen more and more often now). Working isn't for me. I'm not really the kind of guy who seizes every opportunity and tries to get ahead in life. I'm more of a sleep-late-and-listen-to-music kind of guy.
But it occurs to me that I've never really given the idea of "work" a fair chance. Maybe if I started to play the part I would realize I'm no different than any other nine-to-fiver. So it was with this in mind that I attended last week's Career Fair. I wasn't really looking for a job, but for my inner sellout.
My suspicions about not belonging, however, were almost immediately confirmed. It turns out that I was somewhat underdressed. To look important, one has to wear a suit. But my only suit is in a closet in my parents' house, so I wore jeans and a T-shirt, and I hadn't shaved in five days. Also, it seemed as if a lot of potential employers don't like me in sunglasses. To avoid alienating myself any further, off they came. One thing I refused to do was put on a nametag with my major and year on it. I'm not on display here. The only problem is that not wearing a nametag at the Career Fair is like not putting up a real photo on Facebook-everyone knows you're hiding something.
Choosing which tables to go to was another dilemma. As I've never planned to work before, I have no idea what kind of job I want. So I picked the table with the best name-Joint Warfare Analysis Center. I have no idea what "warfare analysis" is, but it certainly sounded cool. When I asked the quartet at the table what exactly the term means, though, all they told me was where JWAC is located. They also seemed a little disappointed when I confessed that I don't have a "strong" natural science background.
This is a recurring theme. I've heard plenty of (bad) jokes about the lack of career options afforded to philosophy and English majors, but this fair seemed like it was organized by a bitter engineer.
Since my majors were not big hits (they were, at best, enthusiastically tolerated), I did what any self-respecting job applicant would do-I start lying, er, exaggerating the truth: "I'm an Econ major" (I've taken one class).... "I have a strong quantitative background" (I've finished half my QS requirements).... "I'm taking the LSAT in a few weeks" (I still could).... "I worked for a consulting firm this summer" (if by "consulting firm" you mean "plumber").
I'm sure plenty of people saw through these embellishments, but luckily there were a few tables that prided themselves on being available to anyone-"if you're smart, we can train you in any field you're lacking," said a Macy's representative.
And despite the wide range of options (from advising to consulting to strategy management!), a lot of the employers seemed to be looking for the same things: "adaptability," "communication skills," "grace under pressure," "eagerness to work," "ability to answer questions"... Recruiters love clichés. What they don't like, apparently, are stubborn, weak-willed, isolated idlers who hate answering questions. If that covers you, don't even bother.
Any attempts to get more concrete responses from recruiters were met with more generalities that eventually made me sound like an idiot-"What do you mean by 'intelligent', exactly?" I don't really know whom the vague abstractions are meant for. Is anyone really na've enough to be won over by a company's belief "that sound and inspired ideas triumph" (The Advisory Board Company), or is unquestioned acceptance of that kind of pabulum how they discern lapdogs from cynics? It seems to me that everyone avoids details because the details are tedious and boring, and any open acknowledgment of that is too depressing.
Truthfully I don't even really want specifics. The only specifics that would make me happy-"Here at Bain & Company we have ice cream parties and take long naps!"-don't exist. Work sucks. It's supposed to suck. If you need me, I'll be in bed with my iPod on.
John Schneider is a Trinity senior. His column runs every other Wednesday.
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