If you're reading this, first know that I could never get a column printed in The Chronicle as an undergrad.
In my four years at Duke, I applied three different semesters to be a Chronicle columnist. I felt like I had an original perspective to share. I felt that I had the ability to connect with my fellow students. I was a good writer. But I was never accepted. Instead, the editors chose columnists who used their spaces to post personal ads and social show-off pieces. And they were TERRIBLE. There. I said it. Finally.
Along with The Chronicle, I wasn't accepted into Duke University Improv, Hoof 'n' Horn, Inside Joke, the Service Opportunities in Leadership program, numerous creative writing classes, numerous documentary studies classes and numerous selective houses, to name a few. I kept trying, obviously. (Or else I was a sucker for punishment.) But over time it just seemed that I did not have what it took to thrive at Duke.
Three and a half years after graduation, I have begun to think about graduate schools and in the process have reflected on my Duke undergrad experience. And, when pressed, I can sum up my experience thus: Duke made me feel dumb.
Since being out in the "real world," I have realized (or maybe just remembered) that I am a smart, attractive, capable person. To varying degrees, I felt this way in high school. It was Duke where I find this skewing of my perspective and a dip in my self worth. I didn't feel bad about myself, but I didn't feel good. The best descriptor I can think of for how I felt at the time is "below average."
And I was, on paper. I graduated 744 out of my class of 1155. I didn't graduate cum laude or with distinction or a departmental award. I never got a grant or a fellowship or a scholarship. As I fill out graduate school applications, I struggle to find a professor who I was close to, or who would even remember me. At graduation, I had a Duke diploma and no job, but even worse, no direction or sense of accomplishment. (See how I said "Duke diploma" as if that was the good part, and the rest of me was pulling it down? How that saying "But I went to Duke" should explain away any of my problems or frustrations?)
I take responsibility for a fair share of my mediocrity. I could have met up with professors outside of class, joined more groups or taken time off to regroup rather than to plod through another semester. I also know that when a school takes the cream of the crop from high schools all over the country and the world, resettling has to occur. But why does Duke make so many people feel so, well, BLAH about themselves?
I recently spoke with a freshman-year hallmate, and after her four years at Duke, she is shocked at discovering how adequate-or even good-she is at so many things. She has met students in her graduate program who talk about their undergrad years as a place that they really grew and discovered themselves, when she feels like she simply made it through.
Another Duke friend told me of the week she didn't get into any sorority and was rejected to be a first-year advisory counselor. ("And no one gets turned down to be a FAC," an acquaintance told her beforehand.) "I wasn't doing it for my resume or to get ahead. All I wanted to do was meet some new people," she said.
And yet another friend doesn't feel like she is as talented or as accomplished as her current classmates... at Duke Medical School. Perhaps it is simply the nature of the beast? I hope not.
On the other side of the coin, my Duke experience gave me many wonderful memories and many passionate, talented, life-long friends. I was a 'B-minus' student but I am not a 'B-minus' person. But it took getting out of Duke to believe that again.
To those whom feel like me, I assure you, you're going to do fine. Many adventures await you here and out there, and don't worry if the college years aren't the best years of your life-they weren't for me either.
To those who don't feel like me, good for you. Many adventures await you, too, and I hope college isn't the best time of your life-that the great only gets better.
And to all of you: How can you make your Duke experience better for yourself? For your campus community? What do you really want to do (and not just be)?
If you need a place to start, try writing for The Chronicle. It is just as thrilling as I imagined it way back when in my freshman year.
Jessica Fuller graduated from Trinity College in 2004.
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