The Czaj Factor Guide to Majors

Spring break is quickly approaching, and that means only one thing-declarations of majors will soon be due. Now since the majority of you sophomores probably have not submitted your paperwork yet-people are not going to write one-page papers unless they absolutely have to-that means that it's not too late to reconsider.

Why would you entertain such a foolish, last-minute decision?

Keep in mind that, most likely, your major will have no bearing on what you actually do with your life. So why not reconsider trading in that stodgy, boring major for something more fun?

Note: Engineers, please do not feel the need to read any further. We all know that your major was determined freshman year by Dean Kristina Johnson's predestination machine. Resistance is futile.

Because I am so considerate, I present to the sophomore class The Czaj Factor's Guide to Majors. Freshmen, please pay attention, it's not too early to start thinking.

Let's start with the favorites:


For: Prospective I-bankers

Also For: People who are interested in money (a.k.a. everyone)

Pros: Parents will secretly thank God that you are doing something "useful"

Cons: Problem sets, math and stats requirements and dealing with the realization that you are just another brick in the wall


For: Pre-meds

Also For: People who aren't smart enough to be engineers

Pros: The ability to pretend that you are already qualified to issue prescription drugs

Cons: High probability of beard-growing for those concentrating in ecology, botany or any of the other Hippie Sciences


For: Brown-nosers, s**t eaters, insincere bastards and all others with traits that are well-suited for a life in politics

Also For: People who are easily impressed by shiny new buildings with their own delis

Pros: Shiny building, deli, the ability to kvetch endlessly about a three-page memo

Cons: Politics are for tools

Now for some quasi-popular candidates:


For: Haters of America and Freedom

Also For: Foreigners, duh

Pros: You will spend a semester abroad in a booze-induced euphoria

Cons: When you return, your friends will discover that they actually had a better time when you weren't around


For: People who enjoy the study of people, places and things

Also For: Students who like to read

Pros: You will be practically invulnerable to humor columnists.

Cons: Everything you discover has, in a way, been done already


For: Students who like politics, but just can't stand writing memos

Also For: People who don't quite realize that "politics" and "science" are somewhat at odds nowadays

Pros: According to the department website, it is the "queen of sciences." Of course, queens don't really possess any power in the 21st century, but there's no reason to expect political scientists to know that

Cons: Endless discussion of the Vietnam War will leave you utterly depressed.

Finally, here's three suggestions for those who like to think "outside the box":


For: Lovers of the term "wench"

Also For: Those waiting out the establishment of an alchemy major

Pros: Guaranteed job waiting at Medieval Times Dinner & Performance

Cons: Ill-fitting codpieces


For: Whales, manatees, Mexican staring frogs and other endangered species

Also For: Granola lovers

Pros: High likelihood that you will star in an advertisement on a C-1 bus

Cons: Let's face it, the environment is doomed.

CANADIAN STUDIES (Second Major Only)

For: Duke Club Hockey members

Also For: Prospective owners of emerging maple syrup conglomerates

Pros: Enrollment preference for the wildly popular CAN119, "The Emergence of the Neutral Zone Trap"

Cons: Will still be unable to explain why the queen is on all the money

Space constraints prevent me from continuing any further. Just promise me that you will consider a wide variety of options before you settle on a major.

I have one final word of advice-make sure you put a lot of thought into that essay. A sub-par effort will most likely result in a cage match with Dean Michelle Rasmussen. All losers will be banished to the shadowy, nebulous wasteland known as "Program II."

Greg Czaja is a Trinity junior. His column runs every other Wednesday.


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