A last will and testament

  Not to put too morbid a spin on things, but the more I think about it, the more I get the feeling that come the fifteenth, I’m going to be losing a treasured friend, someone who has stood beside me through thick and thin. His name is College Jon.

 Over the past four years I’ve spent a lot of time with College Jon: lying on the couch, watching three straight episodes of Law and Order, making two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and calling it dinner. College Jon likes to bong beers and order pizza at 1:55 a.m. College Jon can also play seven straight hours of Madden 2005 with-out batting an eye. All in all he’s a pretty cool dude, and I’m going to be sad when he passes away.

 So in anticipation of the dreaded day, I sat down with College Jon to draw up his will. We both knew that when College Jon met Career Jon, there could be room for only one, a Jon divided against itself cannot stand.

 And thus, College Jon leaves the earthly possessions that he has acquired over the last four years to those who will benefit from them the most.When College Jon was born, in August of 2001, he was truly a bright-eyed fellow. The world was his oyster and he wanted its pearls. Things devolved rapidly from there, as a combination of soul crushing classwork and mediocre grades led College Jon to realize that not only would he never cut it as a doctor or lawyer, but that investment banker wasn’t looking good either. The riches of the world would not fall easily into his lap as he once had thought. Therefore, to the class of incoming freshmen, College Jon leaves his shattered dreams. He only hopes that you will do more with them than he did.

 With a renewed commitment to hard work and studious diligence, College Jon declared himself a literature major. With its hazily defined boundaries and excellent faculty, the literature department proved the perfect place for College Jon. He wrote papers about zombiemovies and Bill Murray, he discussed great thinkers and the Jerry Springer show. He was introduced to new and different paradigms that explained away the world’s many intricacies. With this new knowledge came a hardened perspective and a loss of no small amount of naiveté. To the Program in Literature then, College Jon leaves his youthful idealism for certainly he will no longer have anyuse for it.

 To the members of Wayne Manor, the friends and comrades of College Jon, he would like to leave his immense collection of sweatpants. The center piece to anysuccessful student’s wardrobe, sweatpants served College Jon well over many a latenight and early morning. Whether they were worn playing beer pong or writing aterm paper, their unbridled comfort and warmth were always a boon to College Jon’s spirit. If anyone can appreciate their value, it is the men of Wayne Manor.

 By his senior year, College Jon spent many a night in the Chronicle office. It wasn’t always fun or pretty, but somehow, every Thursday, Recess made it into the paper. Not, however, without a large helping of cigarettes and Coca Cola, because when it hits 4 a.m. and the pages still aren’t near completion, something has to keep you going. And so to the rising staff of Recess who he knows will carry on the grand tradition of angering and frustrating the rest of the Chronicle staff, College Jon leaves his black lung and caffeine addiction. Enjoy! Finally, to the future denizens of apartment 10108 of the Belmont, College Jon and his roommate College Pathave left a half a case of Natural Light and about a third of Jack Daniels in the fridge. Please see that they are put to good use.

 College Jon would like to thank those who have made his Duke experience all that it could have been: those whom he has loved and those that have stood by him through it all. All College Jon asks is that you give Career Jon a chance. College Jon realizes this new Jon might not be nearly as fun, exciting or even good looking, but come the fifteenth he’ll be the only Jon left. So we’ll all have to do our best to get along.