It’s war of the bitches.” “Why doesn’t she understand I f---ing hate her?” Ah, the quotes of my best girl friends on a wholesome night out.
Of course, we’ve all experienced the aftermath of such occasions on AIM profiles, and, of course, you have no idea what it means because inside jokes are always so funny when they’re never funny to you. Although I do relish in such little tidbits of life as I monotonously go down my buddy list, there is one thing I can’t stand. I’ve seen the best and I’ve seen the worst in Duke people and tolerated it all. But, to be quite honest, I really despise it when people use the words “hooking up.” Why do you ask? It’s not the activity at all; frankly I think people at Duke could stand for a little of it. It’s the generic use of the words, ranging from tip-toeing between the borderline of Planned Parenthood and a coat-hanger, to a quick peck on the lips followed by a bashful overload of school-girl giggling.
The words have such a wide-spectrum and have become so commonplace, that they have really lost all impact. Yet, “hooking up” is the least ominous of a much grander list of such hook-up style words. In fact, such words are much more common place than you actually realize. What are these hook-up words? Let’s take the ultimate “War of the Bitches”—the presidential election, which is no more an election than America on a media dance floor, music blasting from commercials, debates, newspapers, books, websites, surrounded by political sorositutes of all ideologies, ready to hook up.
Although I don’t want to turn this into the stereotypical column, President George W. Bush, in my opinion, is an abhorrent “friends with benefits” abuser (among countless other offenses) of the word “terrorist.” With an out-of-style Von Dutch trucker hat, an awkwardly fitting frilly skirt, stained wife-beater with “Dubya” plastered across, a WWJD bracelet and Republican-sorority glow, this political sorostitute approaches every time America is on the media dance floor, and of course, America gives in.
We start “hooking up” as he liberally abuses the word terrorist to everything that stands in the way of a vague war. It is a hook up that is omnipresent and faceless, blasting from political ads, presidential debates and color-coded warning systems. It’s become so pulled and stretched into such a broad spectrum that it isn’t as ominous as it once was.
As America grinds and sways on the media dance floor, yet another political sorositute comes from behind. With a trucker hat, frilly skirt, wife-beater, yellow Lance Armstrong bracelet and a Democrat-sorority glow, Sen. John Kerry sandwiches us between himself and Bush.
Kerry notices that although we’re totally into each other, at least the insecure part that finds comfort in hooking up of fear, a part of America isn’t exactly too thrilled with Bush’s Patriot Act grinding into our Bill of Rights.
Kerry attempts to pull us away from his competition. To counter the compassionate conservative in front, he labels himself on this media dance floor as a moderate. I often ask myself when “liberal” became such a dirty word to Americans and Democrats, nonetheless, shouldn’t “moderate” collectively appeal to the entire political spectrum, both conservatives and lib@$%ls, and all other constituents in-between as the perfect candidate?
Kerry’s moderate label is a wide, occasionally indefinite, spectrum that sometimes doesn’t make much of an impact. Juxtaposed to Bush, where his hook-up style is the source of his strength, for Kerry, it’s his weakness. As a result, Kerry comes off to us as wishy-washy. Plus his motives aren’t exactly to save us from hooking up with Bush, but just like all major politicians, more so just so he can hook up with us.
Nonetheless, here we are America, deciding which one we are going to hook up with. We are squished between someone using hook-ups as their source of control over us and someone using hook-ups in any attempt to grab America away from his opponent at all costs, even if it makes him seem as if he isn’t completely definitive.
Perhaps this is mostly for himself, but also, perhaps because he sees something that a part of America also recognizes. As I finish going down my buddy list, I notice quite a different quote on the last AIM profile: “Lick Bush and Dick in 2004.” And you know what, America? When we “hook up,” I think that’s exactly what we should do.
Charles Gomez is a Pratt senior.
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