No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.
—Eleanor Roosevelt
At one point after the online journal fad exploded, my roommate quipped, “Every other entry in your journal is either about hating humanity or enjoying the weather.” We all had a big laugh about this because after clicking through past entries, I sadly realized the validity of her statement. And yet, what I failed to realize at the time was that it wasn’t necessarily humanity I hated then, but myself.
In those times, I would think, what’s wrong with me? plenty, evil Jina would hiss. You’re stupid, you’re ugly, and you’re mean. No one really likes you; they all put up with you. You’re pathetic. You don’t belong here. It was those days that I truly needed the Party Panda with his “Free Hugs” sign to come into my class and console me (true story: He visited us in my Oceanography class last semester). Unfortunately, I don’t have a guy in a giant panda suit handy during those types of days. In fact, I don’t have anyone during those days.
Or so I think. I constantly make the mistake of thinking I am the only person who feels insecure. Can you blame me? We attend Duke University, home of the top students in the world. When I walk on the cobbled sidewalks of our scenic campus, all I see are students striding with purpose. They have a destination. They’re going somewhere. They’re doing something. But perhaps the reason why some appear more confident than others is because they know how to disguise their anxieties more efficiently.
One night, I was talking to a couple of my friends and mentioned I was interested in a boy in my dance class. They wanted to know details: What do you know about him? What do you talk about with him? But before giving them any info, I blurted out, “It doesn’t matter; nothing’s going to happen anyway.” Why? Because why would a guy ever be interested in me? Amanda understood my feelings. Sometimes, it’s hard to believe that you matter to anyone, especially if you feel you have no control over certain aspects of your life. But Brittany scolded us. Y’all are great people, she declared. How could we talk about ourselves like that?
My friend had a point. Self-pity wasn’t going to solve anything; it only seemed to drag us down. If Brittany could so easily see the value in us, why couldn’t we? Was it just us?
Curious, I asked a number of students, “Do you like yourself?” They all consented, but when I asked them if they would change themselves if they had the opportunity, every one of them said yes. Everyone is content with who they are, but no one is ever completely happy with himself or herself. We all go through times when we dislike ourselves.
I know I’m terribly clumsy. And I realize I laugh and talk too loud in public or space out frequently when I should be listening. I’m also that girl whose eyes seem to always find the floor because she can’t look at you and say hello. I’m all these things and more; but more significantly, I am these things. I am me, and that should be more than enough. If others won’t accept this, then it is truly their loss. I need to fully understand this and so do you, for your sake and mine.
And on days when we are blinded by our insecurities, others will see our worth and remind us that we matter, too. “TP is a shoulder to lean on during hard times.” “BA provides a refreshing quirkiness.” “CW and BM are good models for what humanity should be.” “KF has a good heart.”
To the world you may just be somebody, but to somebody you may be the world. As overachieving Dukies, I understand it might be hard to grasp that we can’t change the entire world. But maybe it’s enough that we make a different in the lives of those around us: Our family, our friends, our loved ones.
As one friend put it so eloquently, “Believe in your inner coolness.” Everyone else already does.
Jina Jang is a Trinity sophomore.
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