Column: THE SECOND GUNMAN: Duke All-Stars

Last Tuesday night I went out and got so wasted. I, THE PUPPETMASTER, was working such mad game all over campus. I am, like, the coolest and THE PATSY is just jealous.

SHATSY: THE MUPPETMASTER was actually trying to hit on ugly girls all over campus and couldn't even get a fake number from them, so I went back to my room.

THE MUFFETMASTER: I love Carson Daly.

FATSY: I was the coolest kid in my room on West Campus that nightâ_|.

Whoa! Sorry about that. Looks like I got a little ahead of myself there.A Did suicide rates really go up on Mondays last year? (Just kidding.) (I think.) Thank goodness the Sea Nuggets stepped it up; otherwise we would all have had a case of the Mondays. Still, I can dream of being great like the PATSYMASTER, can't I? Look, for those of you who are still upset with me for bringing back those brutal memories of the MASTERBLASTER (oh, how sweet the unedited version of this would be) all I can say is:

a. At least it wasn't Faran again.

b. If you are still looking to have an angry Monday, just take a peep at what the popularity kings that live above me decided to write about. Want a little sneak preview of what the one-eyed, one-horned, flying, purple, people haters are up to on the flip side?

Hi my name is Bill English, and, in a politically correct way, I hate homosexuals.

Hi my name is Nick Christie. Right now every Southerner with a pitchfork is chasing me.

Get it? Got it? Good. Between the amounts of hate mail The Chronicle receives every week for those two and the desperately-seeking-advice mail that must be flowing to Faran from girls who desperately need more than advice, it is no wonder that the Duke post office takes a week to handle campus mail.

Seriously, what kind of fine specimens do we have working in the mail department? With all the electronic wizardry they have going on in there, you would think that the brain benders back there would be able to find Box 95933 without the use of a GPS unit. Those first team Post Office All-Americans love to scan and slap labels on s--- like it is going out of style, but they can't "forward" my magazine subscription to my new box. The way things operate back there, you would think that our mail was coming priority from the moon.A I am sure with a little training we could find a couple of grade A lemurs that would increase productivity back there exponentially. Speaking of highly trained lemurs, would someone please put Moneta back in his cage! (Burig, just because you are no longer public enemy No. 1 does not mean that you're not next).

So while we are on the topic, what do we think the brain dynamos over in housing will come up with this year? Perhaps, once again, Burig will swear that no one will have to live in Trent this coming year. Hopefully this time he will use the highly popular "read my lips" line. Could you just make it so the WEL stops smelling so weird? Willy, one more funny move out of you and I will take your head and give it a nice swift kick right up your independent corridor.

I mean whatever happened to the administrators of old, who came up with such wonderful names as The Hummus Is Among Us or Good Morning Campers! You know that those were the administrators who sat at their desks saying things like: "We had better order twice as many kegs for the quad this weekend. After all, those kids were looking sober by Wednesday this week, and I must say I feel like having a good time this weekend." Or: "Hey, finals may start tomorrow, but how much could it hurt to bring the beer truck in early?" The prevailing attitude among the administration was said to be one of "Drink well, test well."

In earth and ocean sciences, that was a very short and often-overlooked geological period commonly referred to as the Dukiushappius Period of which beer can fossils can be found in abundance.

So the All-Stars of the week award goes to the First Team All-Maintenance Peoples. Seriously these super-people do deserve a round of applause and at least a good dose of ass kissing from administration. In the two days before alumni weekend they were able to work around the clock and re-hang almost every fraternity and selective sign back up. It looks like those returning alums will be donating this season after all. Speaking of which, if they can drop everything to put up signs like thatâ_| where the f--- is Subway?!? But hey, thank goodness after being here a whole half semester, we now know where the hell we were living. Idiots. Like we couldn't tell where Beta was on our own.

THE SECOND GUNMAN would like to make everyone aware of the fact that Sheriff Carl Franks leads the ACC in arrests and, in a move to regain the limelight, Duke was going to make him Honorary Parking Sheriff, but they ran out of safari hats.


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