Doing shots with The Second Gunman

Tap Tap. Squeeeak. Can you hear me now? GOOD. This column, like those 900 numbers, is for entertainment only. So please feel free to laugh. Here's a little special sauce to brighten your Monday.

The second weekend of the year is always one of the best. Why, you ask? The parties are legendary; the excuse "I haven't read the alcohol policy" still stands a chance; you have food points. Actually, let's not mislead any freshmen, especially the guys. The parties are only legendary because the upperclassmen get to see some seriously awkward situations. This is way beyond the awkwardness of getting caught looking at porn with the lights off and your pants down (sorry again freshman guys) or realizing that walking around with your keys hanging off your neck really isn't that cool. Yep. It's time to party.

Two apologies in one paragraph is a bit much, especially for the Monday, Monday column. That's a lot of wasted space. No more. The following will hopefully evoke painful memories of doors slamming in your face when all you wanted was a relatively cold Busch Light and a chance to prove your coolness. If you have no such memories, let me be the first to congratulate you on being cute and female. But if you only hooked up with that guy because he gave beers to you and your hallmates/friends/group of 30 kids from your dorm, you shouldn't be too proud of yourself... (slut). Did you tell Mom about that one? I really didn't think so.

Here's a little skit documenting the first rocking frat bash of the year. We'll pick Sigma Epsilon Chi (think, you stupid Terp, what does that spell?) as the arbitrary location for this group of four to learn about Duke. Okay, so that's not really a fraternity. Might as well pick somebody you can laugh at.

Freshman Guy 1: Hey, I think there's a party here. I wonder which frat it is.... There are two sets of letters by the same door: Delta something and that one that was on Dawson's Creek last year. Ahh, who cares, let's go get wasted!

Freshman Hottie 1: I'm glad we all live together. It's so cool to be getting drunk at a frat party.

Freshman Guy 2: Yeah man, we used to get drunk all the time in high school. It was awesome. It's cool that we have so much in common. I mean, we all like to get wasted.

Freshman Hottie 2: My sister says they're lame, but she's not even in a sorority. Besides, my FAC lives here, and he said he would give us alcohol. He's cute too.

FG1: Yeah, and chicks. Know where we can find any?

PM: The only way I can tolerate being a party monitor is to get blitzed, so I just shotgunned my last ten. You didn't bring any girls with you?

FG2: There were a couple with us earlier, but they protect their bodies like George Bush protects the environment.

PM: You're not allowed to make fun of Republicans in fraternity sections. It's in the IFC charter and the honor code. You're lucky I don't send you to Nan. Get the hell out of here!

FG2, outside: Crap! They took our girls and didn't even give us any beer.

FG1: Yeah, we gotta join a frat. It's the only way we'll ever fulfill our dreams of living with rich white guys and scoring with drunk freshman chicks. Wanna walk back to East? I don't think it's too far.

Repeat process for next four months. And that's about how things usually work out for the freshmen guys, so girls, take it easy on 'em. Lucky for them, Duke has begun instituting changes to protect them. Thanks to the brilliant leadership of Larry Moneta, students like that unfriendly party monitor don't have to join selective living groups to live on West Campus their sophomore year. All sophs, even independent males, are guaranteed prime real estate: The lakefront property near rainy day West Campus walkways. This genius plan solves the problem of those poor independent guys being assigned to Trent. Unfortunately, Dukies aren't complete morons. People have started to realize that they're just going to get screwed junior year. There's a shocker. Bang, click, whirr, apparently you got in for a reason.

So the selective groups retain their appeal. The administration should love this, because they're trying hard to "not kick fraternities off campus" (evidenced by their theft of all fraternity letters from the outside walls of sections). Keep in mind that this is coming from the people who say the Blue Zone is safe because it has gate arms. You know these idiots had Enron stock.

THE SECOND GUNMAN likes to pray at the church pews in the WEL.