Please note, the following is meant as a joke.
Last weekend, Duke University and the City of Durham held the inaugural Duke-Durham Leadership Summit. Administrators from both the administration and the city sat down for a four-day seminar to discuss what each institution could learn from the other.
But there was controversy even before the event began. Durham city officials had lined up a keynote address by New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani, but President Nan Keohane objected. Keohane preferred to have the address given by the no-name city manager of Whacketville, South Dakota--Christina Halopodus-Geritowski. Because of the impasse, the speaker was canceled.
Unfortunately, the seminar was also forced to end two days early, because the Durham Leadership Summit fund was bankrupt. The fund was supposed to last all four days, but the money just disappeared.
And at the meeting itself, other problems emerged. Water, for example, was in scarce supply. Durham was supposed to give each member of the summit a one-liter bottle of water, but because of an accounting error, each party was provided with only one Dixie cup full of water. When a Duke administrator intentionally started a fire on the Durham City Council's dais, Executive Vice President Tallman Trask refused to use Duke's Dixie cup to put out the fire. Durham was forced to use its cup; afterward, Trask refused to share any of Duke's water.
During a hostile session titled "Why Durham Needs Duke to Pay More Money," city council member Floyd McKissick--returning from an annual meeting with the Honolulu City Council--explained that even though Duke provides well over $2 billion in wages, tourism profits and services to the community, the University should still pay millions of dollars for city council members to take trips to visit other city councils.
Duke officials countered by suggesting that because of the $2 billion, Durham should change its name to "Durham at Duke University" Mayor Nick Tennyson voiced support for the plan, as long as there was some kind of development deal associated with the project.
Another Duke official stood up and said there were six words that could solve Durham's woes: money, moolah, greenbacks, bucks, cash and dollars.
At a forum called "Solving Parking and Nightlife Problems," Vice President for Auxiliary Services Joe Pietriantoni suggested that Durham hire an outside company to privatize its parking and late-night services. Durham officials responded that they had already sold out--to the American Tobacco development.
The "Maintaining Poor Coverage" forum featured a lecture by University Secretary and Vice President Allison Haltom and Duke's Board of Trustees. They advised Tennyson and the city council that if they were tired of having to be responsible for what they said and did, they could always close the city council meetings to the public.
The Chronicle would have been outraged at that decision, but instead of covering the event, the newspaper dispatched a reporter to hawk more copies of the limited-edition 2001 Men's Basketball National Championship yearbook. Copies can be obtained by calling 684-3811. They feature color photography, highlights from the entire season, and go for the low, low price of $10 ($8 for students and employees).
The Chronicle wishes everyone a successful exam period and warm summer. See you in a few weeks.
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