AeroScluuuhhhhh!

Because I felt bad about all the hate mail I received about my review of Aerosmith's Just Push Play [not Just Press Play, like Robert said the first time], I decided to try to understand how in the hell somebody could listen to such worthless garbage. So, like a good whiskey-swilling Aerofan, I got really drunk and popped in the CD to see how it sounded under the influence.

The first song, "Beyond Beautiful," hit me while I was still sober. Before polishing off my first 24-ounce can of Icehouse, I noted to myself that I had indeed made a mistake in my initial review-nowhere in "Beyond Beautiful" does Steve Tyler sing, "F---in' A." My bad.

Not until the next song, "Just Push Play," does he yell that favorite line. But in addition to singing, "F---in' A," he also yelps something that sounds like "yabba." Upon hearing "yabba," I recalled one of the scenarios I contrived to explain how Aerosmith could have produced an album so insipid. Perhaps, I wrote, they were on PCP. But after downing a bottle of the "champagne of beers," (that's Miller High Life, jackass) I became aware of the cruelty of insinuating that the Aeromen are on drugs. Maybe they just felt like singing, "F---in' A."

On a completely unrelated note, let me tell you about a drug called Demerol. Demerol is a narcotic that is widely used as an analgesic drug. A friend described it to me as "the poor man's heroin." That is all.

Back to Just Push Play. The next song on the disc is the radio hit "Jaded." To celebrate, I started a bottle of wine and stuck the cork in my ear. Another bottle, and I could make myself deaf. Drunk or not, "Jaded" is as appealing as cat food, but the syrupy production does a decent job of masking that. Cat food covered in syrup... strange foods seem appetizing when you drink.

I think I made a bathroom run during the lame love ballad, "Fly Away from Here." I wanted to be at full comfort for the following track, "Trip Hoppin'." Imagine my disappointment when the song bore no resemblance whatsoever to Portishead or Massive Attack! Instead, I heard obnoxious horns flying all over the place. I wonder what it is about whiskey that makes people like this shit.

At around this point, I realized that even alcohol couldn't make this music better. If there were a grade below F, this album would deserve it. Later on, Tyler attempts a rap. It's so bad I'll spare you the description.

By the time the last song, "Won't Let You Down," comes on, I am feeling quite merry. As the song sounds an awful lot like "Take Me to the Other Side," I start nodding my head. Am I enjoying the song? Alas, like the fruit hanging above the head of Tantalus, the elusive D-minus remains out of reach for our favorite Beantown buffoons.