I realize that this is one of those columns that will receive universal praise and admiration from guys and jeers and mocking from women. Normally, I would say women wouldn't even read this story, but I know they are helplessly drawn in by my stunning headshot.
But women, before you think I am a lone freak, just ask every guy you know these two questions:
1) What's the code to get to Mike Tyson?
2) What does "up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, B, A start" mean to you?
I guarantee that at least 80 percent of your male friends can answer these questions despite first learning the answers 12 years ago.
Anyway, let's commence with the countdown.
5) Ice Hockey
Three fat guys, one skinny-that's the lineup to cruise to victory in this game. A lot of people will tell you Blades of Steel is better-and it does have a play-by-play guy and the game-within-the-game when you play Gradius between periods-but for my dollar, Ice Hockey is the way to go, simply because of the lineup.
There is just something really funny about seeing the fat guy chug down the ice as little speedy guys bounce off him. One word of advice: don't use the medium-sized guy. He is boring. He offers the worst features of the fat guy (slowness) with the worst features of the thin guy (weakness).
4) Double Dribble
The game that redefined the three-pointer. Both teams have a special spot on the floor where players will shoot 95 percent from three-ball land. If you know the spot and your opponent doesn't figure it out, you'll win big. If both know the spot, then expect a shoot-out to end all shoot-outs, though it may get dull if you spend all of sophomore year playing the game. Of course, wasting away in Trent G, I had nothing better to do.
The game is just like the NBA, featuring teams like the Boston Frogs and Chicago Rockets. Also, just like in the NBA, fouls are never called, you can't travel and, in the rare instance you find yourself on the free-throw line, it's the hardest part of the game.
3) Baseball Stars
Despite the controversy, Baseball Stars is clearly better than RBI Baseball. It was the first game in which you could create teams, trade players and even sign free agents! The game also boasted keen features like climbing the outfield wall and diving infielders.
The game is truly light years ahead of Nintendo's original Baseball, which features outfielders that make Cecil Fielder look fast. Any basehit that somehow reaches the outfield will become an inside-the-park home run in this archaic game.
And while RBI Baseball offers good outfielders and an awe-inspiring fireworks show after every dong, there is one reason Baseball Stars is better. While Baseball Stars features no major league teams, RBI Baseball insists on haunting this Bostonian by featuring the doomed 1986 Red Sox.
Also, the chauvinist in me likes that when any member of the Lucky Ladies gets hit by a pitch, she falls down and cries.
2) Tecmo Bowl
Boasting a whopping four different plays to chose from (beating out its worthy predecessor 10 Yard Fight by one play), Tecmo Bowl is the perfect test of manhood. Not only are you challenging your friend to the greatest test of hand-eye coordination ever invented, Tecmo Bowl throws in an additional battle of wits. If you pick the play your opponent's gonna run, it's a loss of yards. If not, you're in some trouble.
This game was truly ahead of its time and featured a dotted line across the field to represent the first-down marker. Over a decade later, ESPN and ABC jumped on the Tecmo craze and now offer a similar gold line for their viewers' enjoyment.
1) Mike Tyson's Punch-Out
Just a month after receiving Mike Tyson's Punch-Out for Christmas, I finally defeated Macho Man. You know the guy I'm talking about. The guy who's so stacked he can have his breasts mockingly dance at you when he knocks you down. With his menacing laugh, he seems to be saying, "Hey, enjoy my dancing breasts while you can. You'll never see breasts for free until you're 26, you loser!" But I eventually overcame the dancing breasts and defeated the arrogant son of a bitch.
It was as if a whole world had been opened to me. I noticed things I never noticed before. Birds singing, flowers blooming, the sun shining. Surely it was the most beautiful day that 99 Chuckanutt Dr. had ever seen.
But then came Tyson.
Approximately 10 seconds into my title fight, I was sprawled on the mat, desperately mashing A and B as fast as I could. But it was no use. It was the first of many defeats at the hands of Tyson, and to this day, I have never beaten him. My career record against Kid Dynamite currently stands at 0-4,356, but has probably gotten worse by the time you've read this.
And although my shortcomings are many, this game has very few. It is, in my opinion, not just the greatest Nintendo sports game ever, but the greatest video game in the history of mankind. Tyson came out in 1987, a truly wonderful and innocent time in my life. It was a time when I didn't date and didn't need to shave. Well, I guess things haven't changed that much for me, but the world has changed greatly since then.
Tyson was released in the days before political correctness. In today's day and age, you won't find video games about underdog white Americans rising through the boxing ranks by defeating evil foreigners and races with names like Piston Honda, Soda Popinski and Great Tiger.
For those of you still in college, I hope this will inspire you to throw away the Playstation and dust off your ol' eight-bit friend. If you've sold it at a garage sale, shame on you, but feel free to stop by any Friday or Saturday night. There's always a game going on in my room.
UPON FURTHER REVIEW is a weekly column written by a Chronicle sports columnist. It appears every Wednesday.
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