American Pie

"Memories, pressed between the pages of our mind. Memories, sweetened through the ages just like wine."

A desperate quest for sex, scrambled porn channels, masturbating into baked goods: American Pie really takes us back to high school. Oh, who are we kidding, it takes us back to last week.

It's been a long time since a movie has spoken to us this clearly. American Pie is an epic tale of four guys desperate to lose their virginity. These guys are just like us. They can't talk near girls, and when they do, they spew out lines like, "My friends call me Nova, as in Casanova."

One of them even has the unfortunate tendency to, well, drop the anchor before entering the harbor. [Note: Ladies, let us assure you, this is the one part of the movie we just couldn't relate to. Neal may be from Massachusetts, but he's no Minuteman.]

These four seniors become outraged when a guy they consider to be a geek loses his virginity. They agree to make a pact to have sex before graduation and see the prom as their golden opportunity.

Each member of the virginal quartet devises different gameplans to finally score. First, there's Kevin (Thomas Ian Nichols, who, ironically, is best known for his role in Rookie of the Year), who decides he will finally convince his girlfriend to go beyond third base by pleasuring her for once. Oz (Chris Klein), a jock who doesn't get women (huh?), decides sensitivity is the way to go, while Finch (Eddie Kaye Thomas) spreads rumors about his own sexual prowess. And lastly, there's Jim (Jason Biggs, hee hee), who in some free time not devoted to masturbation decides his best bet is to settle for some band geek (Alyson Hannigan, Willow from Buffy).

And while its plot will certainly remind you of Porky's, American Pie does bring one new thing to the table: baked goods. We consider ourselves pretty knowledgeable when it comes to self-pleasure, but even we never thought of making love to a pie.

Overall, the film has several huge laughs, but not quite enough humor in between those laughs. Our other problem with the movie is that if this is a piece on high-school losers, why are the women they associate with so damn good-looking? But all in all, American Pie was pretty funny, even if it was too crass for our gentle sensibilities.