As the campout at Krzyzewskiville entered its 10th week, the groups of students in two special tents had grown closer and closer. They were closer than the family in Little House on the Prairie, closer than the lifeguards on Baywatch, closer, in fact, than any other group except for the troubled twentysomethings who were lucky enough to call Melrose Place their home. And thus it was that, in the midst of that mad and muddy time, these four students were able to script a Melrose Place of their own. A Melrose Place unlike any other, built on love and betrayal, tried by treachery and deceit, cemented in a foundation of tents and mud.
Setting: The setting is K-ville. From upstage right enters the tent monitor.
Tent Monitor: Now hear this! Now hear this! Those even-number tents that were recently assigned an odd number will now line up for tent check! All tents having numbers whose digits add up to a prime number shall report to the Fifth Tent Monitor to receive instructions upon exchanging their numbers for a letter of the alphabet! This letter shall then be redeemed for a non-prime number with a value of no more and no less than 317! Tents 25, 49 and 9 are hereby excluded from this campout on the grounds that they are excluded from this campout!
Amanda and Julie emerge from their tents at downstage left.
Amanda: Gosh, that tent monitor sure is making a lot of noise. Say, have you seen Billy and Jimmy around anywhere? Billy and I had a huge fight last night and I was hoping we could make it up today.
Julie: I'm sorry to hear that, Amanda. What were you fighting about?
Amanda: Enough with the lies, all right? How could you? Billy told me everything last night. How you and he were having an affair. How K-ville wasn't big enough for the three of us. How the two of you had planned to kill me and then run away to live in a different tent. I know it all, Julie. I know it all.
Amanda begins weeping uncontrollably, but recovers in 30 seconds.
Julie: You only think you know everything. Did you know that Billy said he loves me? Did you know that I'm having his child? He loves me, and he's taking me out of this place, away from all of this misery and despair. We'll see the Carolina game, don't you worry, but we'll see it from a place far away. A place where there are no tents, where these beer cans will seem like nothing more than a bad dream.
Billy and Jimmy have walked up during Julie's heartfelt soliloquy. They are holding hands.
Tent Monitor: Now hear this! All green tents not yet set up are hereby to be painted with a red stripe! This red stripe will signify to the tent monitors that your tent is green! All tents with more than 23 stakes are to be taken down and moved into Field 7, pursuant to Rule 23:457 of the new Duke Student Government Tent Policy. Field 7 does not yet exist, but that is not considered an acceptable excuse for a failure to set up your tents! Once again, tent 45 is now subject to inspection, on the grounds that it is the 45th tent in the line!
Amanda: Billy, what is the meaning of this? I thought you loved me, and me alone. Isn't there some way we can get past our inability to communicate, past your affair with Julie, past your plans to murder me? Isn't there some way to make this all work?
Julie: Tell her, Billy, tell her the truth. It's me that you love.
Billy: I wish I could, Julie, but I can't. The truth is, I'm not Billy, I'm Jimmy. I've been Jimmy since the beginning. Don't you see, I've betrayed not just both of you, but me as well. By not being true to myself, I've lived a lifetime full of lies. Plus, I never really loved either of you. I love Jimmy, even though he's not Jimmy, but Billy. And Jimmy, or Billy, loves me for who I am. And I am Billy, or Jimmy.
Julie: But Billy and Jimmy, don't you know? You're brothers! You've always been brothers, that's why you look so much alike. You both have amnesia, so you don't remember. You can't love one another like that, it isn't right. I was going to tell you, Billy, once we had poisoned Jimmy, murdered Amanda and escaped.
Jimmy: Oh, how horrible! How we can put this insanity behind us and move on! These mistaken identities, these long-lost brothers, these foiled murder schemes, these illegitimate babies!
Tent Monitor: All friends of the tent monitors and student government officials shall now come forward to receive their free Carolina tickets! All ticket monitors shall now speak only in code! For example, "Johnny has a new red jacket" means "My, doesn't Sally look nice today?" This, in turn, means, "All Carolina tickets have been given away in a corrupt and secret lottery or sold to various crooked students!" Tent 537 is excused from the campout on the grounds that it does not exist!
Amanda: I know. I can date Billy and Julie can date Jimmy. Then we can all grow together as one and learn to love again.
Julie, Billy and Jimmy all smile and agree. They have a group hug. As they are hugging and the lights dim, the Tent Monitor removes his mask to reveal that he is really Jimmy. Julie notices this and gasps, but by now the lights have gone out forever in K-ville.
Fin.
In the movie version of this column, law student Chris Stidvent is played by Leonardo DiCaprio.
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