Uneducation

Did you know uneducation is not a word? Education is a word. Uneducation is a word defined only in Uncyclopedia. I’m confident that our campus, known for its “educated” students, is hard at work trying to prove that there is, indeed, a definition lurking on the campus. I can see the (urban)dictionary entry now: “Uneducation, n: 1) Australian Rhodes Scholar 2) College Friday Nights.”

For many people, Friday night is a good time to change your brain makeup to allow for idiotic decision making. This Friday, I opted to sit in the heart of campus making fun of said decisions. While people-watching has always been known as a high brow form of TV watching, this past Friday was sweeps week.

First, at the mouth of the Golden Arches, I saw a fair number of people consuming 50-piece chicken McNuggets (2,300 calories) and shotgunning sweet tea gallons (1,120 calories), but don’t forget the sauce (50 calories a pack, at least). So this mini soiree is around 4,000 calories. Let’s also assume that five people will split this meal, but also have consumed beer (on the conservative side, 450 calories) and the night accounts for over half of a daily intake. If you’re doing this twice a week, that’s a daily caloric intake solely after midnight. You need to do exercise along with your caloric intake. Don’t take the easy road­—sex (300 per hour) is actually less efficient than modern dancing (400 per hour). This explains why everyone goes to Shooters instead of staying in.

My next favorite part of Friday was the outfits. I understand there was some 80s-themed event, but are people actually doing research on what they wore in the 80s? I’m not an expert on the subject, but TV shows, Google and my TAs are. Side pony tails, leg warmers and MC Hammer pants would have been good choices. Tie-dye? 70s. Peace sign? Multiple decades covered, but not really 80s. Togas? They were worn in 80 BCE by the Roman Empire, so I’ll give extra points for taking advantage of ambiguity and dressing for multiple events at which you can be uneducated.

Uneducation was also running wild on the plaza. This was a fantastic place to sit and watch, but also a good place to kiss and tell (I saw at least two couples kissing within 15 minutes, which is also 300 calories per hour if you were wondering). It is quite uneducational to know that people are completely fine publicizing these acts, but I’d like to know why they get so mad when people are watching them? If you don’t want anyone to look at the man behind the curtain, why don’t you just put up a locked door in front of the curtain (I stole that idea from M. Night Shyamalan’s Wizard of Oz)? Other channels were pretty good as a few people were having a slap fight in Tailgate attire, which resembled a hockey game not because the two combatants were muscular, but because it was marginally entertaining only for the possibility of a fight breaking out. The last channel was perhaps the most interesting, as the series of glowsticks that had been constructed resembled some sort of multiple rainbow. What does this mean?

However, I can’t hate on everyone that was at Duke on Friday night. Quite a few people at some of the Iron Man 2 showings were quite cordial; when 5 minutes of the film was skipped, they were thankful the film was able to get back on. The police and EMTs were very quick to respond to an unresponsive patient in need of care. There were a few men that were quick to be unresponsive to a very responsive pipsqueak who needed to be careful. Overall, we are a very sustainable community (a Sustainable Duke, you might say).

The only people that I did not see were those who decided doing homework was the best thing they could do on a Friday night. Those are the true uneducated ones as we all know that stress relief is the number one method to surviving Duke. No amount of uneducation can teach you otherwise.

Jeremy Steinman is a Trinity senior. His column runs every Thursday.