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Surprise! It's April Fools' Day, which can only mean one thing: The Chronicle's evil, satirical twin, The Chomicle.
“We are thrilled to have achieved our revenue goal once again, fulfilling our mission of stripping broke college students of every last penny and shred of dignity."
After two hour-long meetings, the task force concluded that there were too many snot-nosed goobers with their heads stuffed in books around campus.
"We'd gotten comfortable in Fiji, but holy shit, I just wanted to see how people survived here,” "Survivor" host Jeff Probe told The Chomicle after seeing 300 Yearby.
“Yeah, it’s been really inspiring actually,” fraternity president Mitchell Bloomberg said. “We hope to really put different cultures into conversation by having one TV on the Mets game and another on the Yankees game."
“Oh yeah, the executive committee meetings are just beer pong,” Trustee Al Coholic said. “Wait, you guys hadn’t figured that out by now?”
Duke Athletics made history this week, becoming the first collegiate program to recognize GamePigeon's Cup Pong as an official varsity sport.
All this to say, if you catch me going commando over this quarantine, blame it on Duke.
Just because players are on lockdown doesn’t mean they get a break from practice. “If classes can go online, then we can too,” Kringle said.
The Duke Sententious Government Senate passed a resolution condemning the coronavirus at its weekly Zoom meeting.
For now, the Class of 2024 will have to pour their Aristocrat alone, solaced only by the fact that they have an extra few months to bone up on SAT words.
Students will be encouraged to begin the playlist simultaneously at 5 p.m. on LDOC to foster a faint sense of cohesion and camaraderie among the student body, who will have lost contact with all their peers by that point.
Many queer students were unable to retrieve their crop tops and flannels, which would be dead giveaways in the painfully homophobic towns they came from.
She’s a mean, grumpy cat... She’s spoiled rotten, living in a luxurious cat house with students at her beck-and-call to feed her and take care of her.
To drive up lost sales after this disastrous Spring semester, Duke’s iconic Italian restaurant will be offering 50% off to anyone who orders in an Italian accent.
North Carolina finally has a virtual win, which is the best they can hope for from this season’s team.
At the end of the day, the HRL staffers shipped everyone’s stuff, fish were left for dead and some choice prescription medicines were taken from students’ rooms for administrators to enjoy.
“Students who are saying Monopoly money is useless are deluding themselves,” McMoney said. “Just wait till you get a hotel on Park Place, and boom, you’re set.”
Less than two years after the construction of the Rubberstein Arts Center was completed, Duke administrators have decided to call it quits.