The independent news organization of Duke University
“Intellectualism? It’s a s**tposting app, dude. Why do you think there are so many fart jokes?”
“I love this,” current tour guide Bro Kass Stoodent said. “If I spend all my time giving tours, I can buy that one really expensive toilet for my Cheeky Monkey pet.”
Now, please rise for the pledge of allegiance to Coach K.
“We actually discussed renaming selective living groups to just ‘living groups’ but decided that would go against our current course of action: slowly killing these organizations,” said an administrator who wished to remain anonymous because they’re tired of transparency.
If your sushi has given you the creeps over the last couple days, it’s because the Duke Gardens' favorite flappy friends are on your plate.
There are two commandments to April Fools Day: prank your friends/family and read The Chomicle. We can't help you with the first commandment, but we can provide you with the V.116 Chomicle, the finest satirical journalism available today.
For the concert, the Duke Union for Underwhelming Programming plans to hire pirate cosplayers to sing sea shanties popular on TikTok.
Here at The Chomicle, we believe in following your dreams. Which is why we decided to break into all 10 facilities that Duke uses for athletic competition.
“DING DONG DING DONG,” the Chapel bells said when I asked if they had anything to say for themselves.
The trough, which reportedly cost $43 million, will replace Marketplace, the East Campus dining hall home to well-loved campus eateries and also Stix and Steam.
“People say most Duke students are substance-dependent,” reflected sophomore Nattie Light. “We have different addictions based on the day of the week.”
Kinzer, who feared retribution from administrators, has brown hair, brown but sort-of-hazel-in-the-right-light eyes and goes by Kinz to his friends.
Sophomore Legga C. Admit noted that her servant forgot to add olives to her Monday morning martini.
“Me and the boys would spend hours reading printouts of student conduct policy material,” senior Vin Yardvines said. “I guess we’ll finally have time to do other stuff now.”
Phi Omicron Omicron went out of their way to make their fraternity a safe space for the New York, South Africa, Brazil, U.K. and California strains of COVID-19.
7 a.m.: His alarm blared, sounding like a crowd of cheering students. Then I looked over to the foot of his bed, where animatronic students rose up and begin bowing down to him.
Subject: C’mon you douchebags, stop partying Body: Dear asswipes, Stop partying. Stop it. Seriously, we mean it. Stop it.
Current head of Housing and Residence Life Joe Schmozalez will be replaced by none other than Pour Lee Placed, CEO of MisHandled—the moving company that lost everyone’s shit last March.
Asked about his favorite dining location on campus, Duke’s Campus Republican gave his thoughts—on how oppressed conservatives are at Duke.
The best of the best, the most well-connected of the well-connected and the richest of the richest are already locks for the Duke Class of 2024. But we here at Waitlist Bubble Watch don't care about them.