The independent news organization of Duke University
Surprise! It's April Fools' Day, which can only mean one thing: The Chronicle's evil, satirical twin, The Chomicle. This is the best reporting we've done all year!
“QuadEx’s focus was fostering a culture of inclusivity. Instead, we must foster a culture of toxicity,” said QuadExes director Ivy Wannabee.
Use these Duke-themed BORG names to show your school spirit in a fresh, creative way!
As the hours turn into days, concern surrounding Gnutt’s disappearance grows. So does the tension between the two factions on campus: those who could die from a peanut and those who believe natural selection should take its course.
On April 1, the fraternity will host “DERATIFIED,” a pre-Nineteenth Amendment themed party. The event is scheduled to celebrate the end of March, which is nationally observed as Women’s History Month.
The line monitors are being investigated due to their “middle-of-the-night blaring sirens, stupid blue jackets and overall narc vibes,” United States U.N. representative B. Allbuster told The Chomicle.
If students stick out the games, they will be awarded with a full-tuition scholarship. Room and board not will be covered, but will include a free tent in Krzyzewskiville. This gift will also not cover parking, a food plan or any other non-tuition expense.
Bus drivers will have the ability to strap anyone who loses consciousness to the bike rack, along with the authority to forcibly remove anyone caught breathing on board.
“The benefits of performative activism certainly outweighs the minimal damages of destroying a century-old, 7,000 acre forest that is essential to learning at Duke,” said Ronnie Stealmoney, head of the Climate Commitment.
When asked by The Chomicle for comment on what happens if a student runs out of items to trade, Coldbrew responded, “What are you, poor? This is Duke, figure it out yourself.”
"By using ChatGPT, we can ensure that the speech is super incomprehensive but entirely original to protect the Duke nation," said President Vinny Cost.
Director of Athletics Nunya Bing defended the move by stating that the actual human mascots were too burnt out, so they had to outsource to other primates.
Surprise! It's April Fools' Day, which can only mean one thing: The Chronicle's evil, satirical twin, The Chomicle. This is the best reporting we've done all year!
“It’s been really heartening to see all of my students’ frowning faces in class. Quantity over quality, yanno?”
I do not believe that anything should be fun, ever.
In related news, K-Ville will be expanded to accommodate the recently-made-homeless Few residents.
Busted ancient brackets notwithstanding, Blue Devil fans everywhere are taking solace in this sign from the ancient world.
Administrators have pivoted quickly in response to the unanticipated move and announced a plan to stack all the benches up where the Chapel used to be.
The program, dubbed FlintX, is a part of Duke’s newest effort to become carbon-neutral, although some question the authenticity of their efforts.
Experts say the decision puts Duke at the cutting edge of Web 3.0.