Duke is an elite American college and thus must be politically correct 100% of the time; this professed commitment to diversity is directly at odds with the latent goal of perpetuating the university in its intended form.
As long as Chronicle Sports exists, some immensely talented handful of friends will always be walking across the quad at some obscenely early hour in the morning. And the sun will always rise over Abele Quad.
Nowhere else will you so readily be equipped to do so much.
I hate to break it to everyone, but all y’all Duke students are so exceptional.
AI wrote this column and is now coming to steal your girlfriend. Humans are causing a mass extinction event. The world is burning. Boo. Whatever. No one reads The Chronicle. No one reads the anonymous satirist.