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Before we get started today, I would like to point out that our men's and women's basketball teams outscored ECU and Army by a total score of 209-99. And the football team beat UNC by -2.
"The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss."
So Nan read the column about my day as Coach K and left me a voice mail.
As you may have noticed, there was a career fair a few weeks ago. Realizing a grand opportunity when I see one, I went. After a few seconds in the Bryan Center, I got that familiar sinking feeling. I was in the elevator again, too lazy to take the stairs to the Armadillo Grill. After some "steak" fajitas and three bottles of Miller High Life, it was time to scope the job market.
Last Tuesday night I went out and got so wasted. I, THE PUPPETMASTER, was working such mad game all over campus. I am, like, the coolest and THE PATSY is just jealous.
Chronicle columnist Karan Pentcil (name changed to protect the innocent) didn't get enough of her crap into the paper last Friday, so she asked THE SECOND GUNMAN for a favor. I was too lazy to write any funny stuff for today, so it helps me out too. We're symbiotic like that. Besides, the editors are too busy sorting through Nick Christie's hate mail to even read what I write. And who needs humor when there's Cosmo to read?
Before I get started, I have an announcement to make. THE SECOND GUNMAN is turning pro after this season and would prefer to be called "Jay" from now on. Jay will refer to himself in the first person plural from here on out.A Professional athletes and egomaniacs commonly refer to themselves in the third person, but we would like to set a standard of originality.
You, as a Duke student, cannot be expected to notice things all the time. That's my job. I get paid to notice things around campus and document facts, so the student body will be informed. If you have a particularly nice student body, please contact The Chronicle; they'll know where to find me.
So apparently Duke has started reading. This is a good thing because, well, we have finally caught up with first graders all over the nation. Before when people at Duke were not reading, lots of bad things happened. Testaments to this fact: Trent, Curriculum 2000, Larry Moneta's new plan for West, Rick's Diner ran out of food- the list goes on. But now boldly proclaimed in large color photos in the lobby of our great Perkins Library, Duke's best and brightest stand up and proclaim: "DUKE READS."
Tap Tap. Squeeeak. Can you hear me now? GOOD. This column, like those 900 numbers, is for entertainment only. So please feel free to laugh. Here's a little special sauce to brighten your Monday.
So you're going to Myrtle Beach. You've rocked the Myrtle Body Sculpting and Toning Program, using the last of your food points on Fro-Yo and salads at the Loop (number salad wone twainty sheven). One small problem--you're a Myrtle virgin. Problem solved. We have a not-so-special guest helping with the column today. He's gonna tell it like it is.
