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(04/13/15 8:19am)
My fellow readers, I want to begin column by apologizing for wretched absence of mine these past two weeks. For reasons I cannot disclose I have spent last two weeks under witness protection in dark depths of Oregon Street. It is my sincere hope that you were able to resort to other sources of opinion during this time.
(03/23/15 8:13am)
It is 3pm on sunny March day and you have just enjoyed hearty meal of orange chicken and tasty lo-mein from the Panda Express. You are walking to your next class with watering mouth from all the Duke squirrels who are scampering about. Suddenly you feel time bomb ticking inside your body. Your stomach drops and your butt cheeks clench. It feels like there is Bolshevik insurgency in your colon and you have four minutes to achieve peace diplomatically. What do you do?
(03/16/15 8:04am)
It has long been belief of mine that what Duke Chronicle is missing most is column dedicated to worldly travels. I have spent a great many hours alone hunched over my computer late at night scrolling through mouth-watering websites like "The Travel Channel," "National Geographic" and "Girls Gone Wild".
(03/02/15 10:40am)
Today was such a marvelous week, ladies and gentlemen! Just other day, I wake with my harem of Shooters Females—of course representing a proportional distribution of the races, religions and sexual orientations found at Duke so as to not even slightly suggest that I have specific, ravenous desire for bisexual Flemish-speaking women, still sticky with sweat and feeding me green olives, only to see that it is not just desk of mine that looks like winter wonderland, but all of East campus has also become blanketed with snowy white goodness!
(02/23/15 10:21am)
Ishmael here! Due to our Blue Devils’ last minute public lashing of Chapel Hill’s Basketball Demimonde, I am currently suffering from hangover as treacherous as the Ten-Day War. I am also nursing second-degree burns from my most recent attempt to make celebratory bonfire out of Penn Pavilion in sacrifice to the rivalry gods. Unfortunately, I was caught by the Duke University riot police for these actions and sentenced to three years of maintaining main quad mulch paths.
(02/16/15 11:56am)
On third Wednesday of February, in year of 2015, the Cameron Indoor Coliseum will be home of cataclysmic rivalry event. Yes, you have guessed it right—this Wednesday, Kameron Krazies will jeer at utter degradation and humiliation of UNC men’s collegiate Tar Heel basketball team at the hands of a physiologically superior band of Coach K’s towering minions.
(02/09/15 9:14am)
Hello Devilboys and Devilgirls!
(02/02/15 10:01am)
It is dark and gusty night at Duke University campus, and I find myself in gymnasium with my new frat relatives learning how to “get on my swole” and to silently ridicule malnourished independent GDIs with my eyes. After six sets on calf-raising machine, I finish workout to promenade the corridors of the Wilson, where I find fenestrated room of smoking women performing erotic dance known here as "Yoga".
(01/26/15 9:57am)
Hello and how are you? Please call me Ishmael. I hail from the magnificent and rolling countryside of Zembla of the former great Soviet Union, and I am so excited to be international student here at University of Duke. I come from such humble roots, you see. After crash of Soviet Union, my stoic father worked very, very hard to purchase every state-owned canned sardine factory in Zemblia. Soon he climbed ranks into prestigious Zemblian oligarchy and he purchased humble castle with seventeen humble servants for my beautiful mother. My mother, she is so happy to finally live in unpretentious fortress with three kitchens and charmeuse silk bed sheets to protect her from bitter cold.
(12/01/14 10:54am)
After spending a semester of giving amazing advice to the most hopeless and desperate freaks around, your guardian devil is need of an emergency vacation ASAP because your problems and issues and feelings are starting to affect me personally. I’d like to believe that my last 14 pieces effectively dealt with the mess you call your lives, but truth be told I guess there are larger, deep-seated personal issues at hand that I’m not capable of handling without being compensated more, or going crazy. So, I’m done. Despite a best effort, your guardian devil is handing control of your feeble minds back to those who own it—the University. I want to believe that everything I wrote was stellar, but it probably wasn’t. If there was something I wrote that was truly awful, it would be easier to blame you all, The Chronicle or something tangible—but what good would that do?
(11/24/14 11:15am)
I spent this past weekend in a stress-induced haze, mostly because I realized I have entire semester’s worth of work I haven’t done and my parents already told me they aren’t going to buy me four As this year. Naturally, because of my upbringing, most of my respect for my parents stems from their money or usage of money to solve my problems, and since they’ve refused to provide me a 4.0 in addition to a loving environment, I have decided to not come home for Thanksgiving this year so that I can be dramatic and overly sulky as I get turnt on a cruise ship, just like the Pilgrims did on the Mayflower.
(11/17/14 10:00am)
In keeping with the goals I set for myself this semester, I decided to marathon "Breaking Bad" on Netflix this past week. Schoolwork will come and go, but television series are cultural icons that will live on for at least a few years. However, because I maxed out my credit card buying Crimea from the Russians—I’m doing renovations, it’s really nice now, I promise—my subscription to Netflix was promptly cancelled. I don’t have a lot of experience dealing with my own emotions since I essentially am being forced into helping you all with your mediocre problems, so I was at a loss of how to deal with this personal tragedy.
(11/10/14 11:15am)
As part of my weekly meeting with the higher ups in the Duke administration, I was reminded that your guardian devil is supposed to be a role model since you all need a lot of help.
(11/03/14 10:25am)
A weekend of self-induced exile was needed from this campus because I can’t even with basic betches running around in Halloween costumes and even more basic performers running around for Awaaz, or whatever that Indian thing was. In my induced vacation, I realized I must have had way too much free time on my hands because I essentially wasted my weekend binge-watching my new favorite wine-tasting show, “Scandal.” After all, all of my acquaintances and parents’ friends’ children all have summer jobs and careers lined up for what seems like the next 10 years. This is distressing because, to be completely honest, I am more concerned about how I managed to forget about the entirety of the World Series (but really, does anyone watch baseball anymore?).
(10/27/14 9:06am)
To anyone who’s anyone—which is, to me, no one—this week is basically everything about your social life compounded in a few short days. It’s almost Halloween betches. Your guardian devil couldn’t tell you the origins of Halloween mostly because I really don’t care. I think some ancient New Englanders invented it to terrify their townsfolk of witches and other demonic beings that they would later hang for treason or being able to swim. And because correlation is always causation (thanks statistics 101!), I’m also pretty sure that in order for them to commit heinous crimes like hanging the town witches—they were too pure to use the b-word that The Chronicle also won’t let me use—they dressed like offensive harlots. Or strumpets. Or hussies. Or floozies. Regardless, as good and upright human beings, your guardian devil knows that Duke students continue this proud tradition to this day-- although the “hanging” of someone has moved on to entirely virtual realms in social media.
(10/20/14 9:00am)
Because I don’t believe in attending class or staying on campus longer than I have to, I decided to extend my fall break by nearly two weeks. In an effort to expand my cultural horizons, I planned to spend my fall break doing what most Duke students (wish they could) do, jet setting off to the closest resort I could find.
(10/06/14 9:26am)
Salutations children,
(09/29/14 8:05am)
What’s good, freaks and geeks?
(09/22/14 8:43am)
What’s up, basics?
(09/15/14 10:42am)
Bonjour mes amis,