The race is on
(02/08/16 6:09am)
Dear Dr. Monday,
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Dear Dr. Monday,
Dear Dr. Monday,
Dear Editor Dr. Monday,
Welcome back, Duke-bags! I know, you barely have time to read newspapers anymore between hours of staring in the mirror practicing how exactly to intonate “it’s basically the ivy of the south” and weekends spent volunteering in East Guatemala. But leave those third-world kids to their starving for just one second—I think I can help make your lives a little bit easier.
Ah, the final Monday Monday of the semester: much like an acceptance speech, except that at the end of it, instead of an award, you get a dubious reputation as a writer.
Full disclosure: this is really more of a rallying cry than a satire so don’t come in here expecting jokes. Any humor you find in this note has arisen entirely from coincidence and should not be laughed at. Thank you.
So here we are: my last satirical column before my identity is unveiled next week. As we approach the end, I’ve gotten to thinking about my columns and have realised that there is something unfair in this set-up. Week after week, I get to target Duke and my fellow students and skewer them for their perceived foibles or missteps—but in so doing, I worry I’ve portrayed myself as in some way above it all. Of course, in reality I’m just as complicit in the ridiculousness and irrationality pervading Duke as anyone else. So this week, I have decided to level the playing field by falling on my own sword and how I relate to Duke. Welcome all to the roast of Monday Monday!
Student Moderator: Hello to everyone and thanks for coming to this, the second convening of Duke Tomorrow! After last week’s forum ended in frustration for many, we decided that we would try again this week with a different format. In the interest of clarity and brevity, today’s forum will be run like an episode of the long-running BBC game show, “Just A Minute.” For those of you unfamiliar, the goal in “Just A Minute” is to speak for a full minute on a topic “without hesitation, repetition or deviation”. If you break one of these three rules, another contestant can buzz in and take your topic. You get points for either finishing a minute or buzzing in when someone else breaks the rules. For today’s game, the administrator who finishes with the most points will win the right not to be on the panel next time we convene one of these forums. All right, fingers on buzzers. President Brodhead, you’re up first and your topic is: “Does Duke oppose its employees unionizing?” The minute starts now.
All right, people. We all know full well what we’re here to discuss. Over the past semester, a disturbing trend has begun to develop: with startling regularity, every few weeks a column will be published in The Chronicle that triggers a huge outpouring of anger, disbelief and rebuttal. Many of the authors of these columns are not guest contributors but instead full-time Chronicle columnists, meaning that they are able to regularly laud their inflammatory views and cultivate their public notoriety. These individuals demonstrate no tact. They push extreme viewpoints to no productive effect. They bring The Chronicle into disrepute.
(Trigger warning: homophobic language. Please note that this column has been pre-emptively tone policed down to allow for hetero/cis/allosexual comfort.)
Hi all. So in a bid to further increase “organizational efficiency” here at The Chronicle, we’ve decided to trial this new so-called “template” format for stories that follow a predictable model. Basically when some big event happens, all you journos will have to do is take the vague template article and delete/insert content as appropriate. Attached to give you the idea is a draft of the “Duke scandal” template—applicable to any case of hate crimes, racist parties, homophobic vandalism, whatever. DO NOT SHOW THIS TO ANY MEMBERS OF THE PUBLIC. If I catch any of you so much as flashing a peek of this material to your sick little grandma over in Blandsville, Idaho, or whoever the hell else you’re trying to bat eyes at, I will PERSONALLY see to it that each of your fingers is pulled from your hand and incorporated into a lovely little tiara for me to wear next Halloween.
As we all by now know, something terrible happened on our campus this Friday. A poster advertising a talk by Black Lives Matter co-founder Patrisse Cullors was found defaced with explicitly white supremacist and anti-black graffiti.
The international community received a shock this Monday as God publicly named His favorite country for the first time.
And now, a digest of The Chronicle’s biggest stories for the month of October 2020.
Over the past few years, a worrying trend has emerged on American college campuses. A large number of liberal students have, under the guise of “social justice,” begun turning away from reasoned debate. Any voice—conservative or dissenting liberal—that dares say something politically incorrect in public is immediately shut down by an overwhelming outpouring of liberal rage. They do not consider the merits of opposing ideas. They use emotional discomfort as a guide to which ideas are good and which are bad. They threaten American freedom of speech and even freedom of thought; it is their stifling political correctness that I hope to address in this column.
With the widespread process of renovation across Duke’s campus finally beginning to end, The Chronicle begins to reflect on how construction proliferated so quickly and thoroughly in such a short amount of time. We sent Monday Monday behind the scenes to get the inside story on what really drove the renovation saga.
We at The Chronicle know that many sophomores will fall victim this year to the so-called “sophomore slump,” the general dimming of spirits that accompanies the end of freshman year and the need to begin planning one’s college career in full. In light of this phenomenon, we have put together this brief guide on how you yourself can overcome and avoid the supposed malaise of sophomore year.
Hello Duke University! You can call us Accenture™. In the Duke administration’s ongoing bid to commoditize its students and set them adrift in a sea of corporate symbols, we’ve been invited to write a Chronicle column, and we’d just like to say how thrilled we are to be here!
Debate continues to rage on campus over one freshman’s choice not to read his class’ assigned summer reading, Eric Carle’s “The Very Hungry Caterpillar.”
Welcome freshmen! After years of hard work, you’ve finally made it to Duke’s vaunted spires. Here at The Chronicle, we know you might be feeling a little intimidated; it can be difficult as a newcomer to make sense of the complex social norms and traditions on campus. That’s why we have put together this handy guide to get you started out right.