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Forget everything you know about Nugget the dog. Not literally. Not everything. There isn’t time for me to start from scratch re-explaining the concept of a dog. But if you think you have the faintest grasp on the inner thoughts of Duke’s canine sweetheart, you are sorely mistaken.
And just like that, it’s that time of year—the final Monday Monday column of the semester. So skipping past the American Idol-esque buildup, I am Justin Sherman, and I am Monday Monday.
This week, Duke University announced it will be accepting Snapchat stories, Instagram feeds and Facebook timelines in substitute for the Common App form that undergrad applicants usually submit. When pressed for comment, University administrators said that social media accounts are now a more accurate portrayal of applicant success than official test scores or essays about their selfless National Honor Society service.
Duke students continued an age-old tradition this past week as thousands of undergrads hunkered down for the commencement of the 17th biannual Busyness and Stress (B.S.) Competition.
Increased coursework, decreased sunlight and cold weather are just some of the reasons Duke students are more likely to get sick at this point in the semester, according to representatives from Duke University Medical System. But some breakouts are worse than others, they say, with the “freshman plague” and last year’s flu being notable examples.
Last Tuesday night, seven sisters convened their monthly open discussion on how they’re all “literally two seconds away” from quitting their top-tier sorority. While this is the first instance covered by Monday Monday, anonymous sources confirm that 100 percent of sorority pledge classes carry out these conversations discretely throughout the entire year, in hotspots such as ABP and "late-nights in [omitted] section."
A recent investigation into social life at Duke revealed that yes, someone might seem like x, but you just have to get to know them to understand how they’re different from this preconceived notion.
Duke students from across the entire political spectrum report that, yes, despite institutional efforts to support diverse views, their political affiliation is attacked more than yours.
A recent survey conducted by the Duke University Office of Global Education reports that 96 percent of DukeEngage participants would rank their trip as their “most important college voluntarism experience.” Started in 2007 as a way to get undergraduate students out into the world, DukeEngage has since sent thousands of participants worldwide to complete over 1 million hours of community service. The program, virtually unmatched by any other school in the country, has received much public commendation and is frequently cited as a top reason why high school students apply to the university.
Anonymous sources close to Monday Monday report the time—the one we’ve been dreading—has finally come. The Monday Monday “big reveal” is here. And given that I’ve already broken just about every other journalism rule ever invented, I might as well not bury the lede.
The Duke Panhellenic Council Executive Board announced over the weekend that many of their members were “incredibly shocked” to find out that despite a packed schedule of spring philanthropy events, none of the sororities had completely solved the causes they set out to aid. Developments at Duke reflect a larger sentiment of disappointment as sorority and fraternity chapters across the country grapple with the limited impact their events reportedly have on their respective causes.
After a 24 hour closure for “repairs” over the alumni weekend, Duke students and alumni alike were shocked to find that every restaurant in the newly-renovated West Union had been repealed and replaced by the “vegan-only” restaurant, Sprout.
A spokesperson from the Duke Office of Undergraduate Admissions announced Friday that a whopping 57 percent of the newly admitted class of 2021 is “really f*****g weird.” The class of 2021 had already been declared “record-breaking,” with Duke receiving the largest number of regular decision applicants in its history. This presents a drastic shift in the makeup of the average Duke class, which has come to be known for their debauchery, extreme wealth and fratty personalities.
In a flurry of regulatory changes made over the weekend after a packed legislative session, Duke Student Government announced Monday that it had designated Campus Enterprises (CE) as “Too Big To Fail.” The student-run LLC, which has been a part of the Duke community for over 20 years and definitely is not a pyramid scheme, said members are “saddened” about the designation, which will subject them to heightened regulatory scrutiny and potential interference from DSG.
With voter turnout at record lows and approval ratings dipping well below even Trump-like numbers, Duke Student Government announced today on their Facebook page that the DSG presidential race was “really just a war of attrition between pledges at this point.”
Duke Student Government announced Friday that it would be piloting a program for students who do not want to eat alone but do not otherwise have friends to eat with, citing personal experience and vehement hatred from large populations of the student body.
Citing the institution's flagrant disregard for widely accepted facts, conventions or ethics, disgraced former national security advisor General Michael Flynn announced Friday he'd accepted a job as a professor of the practice at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.
Citing its accessible approach to identity issues on campus and facey social media advertising campaign, the Duke student body reported Sunday that thanks to the Me Too Monologues, their annual privilege check had been completed. The larger Duke community, which has become known for its excessive privilege and debauchery over the years and goes otherwise unchecked, reports feeling thankful to have such committed students who write and act in the monologues to remind them of the hardships that otherwise seem “unreal.”
Due to recent controversies and a bizarre media frenzy unlike any other, the Duke basketball program released the “exciting results” from an “extensive, unprecedented study” into the psychology of veteran guard Grayson Allen on Friday.
The Duke basketball Line Monitors announced Sunday that they would be enacting a “holistic application” for those wishing to gain admission to the walk up line for the men’s basketball game against the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill on Feb. 9 in Cameron Indoor Stadium. The Line Monitors, who had declared this year of Cameron Crazies “unprecedented” in Duke basketball history, had been searching for more comprehensive application for admission to the coveted game.
