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‘Bravo!’: Duke alums rave after watching Duke students do Duke student things

(04/15/24 12:18pm)

Everything was in place. The lawn was perfectly manicured and colored a perfect verdant hue. Metal forks had temporarily been restored to WU. Students were strategically placed all over campus to ensure that everywhere a visitor looked, someone was sure to appear academically engaged. A white picket fence had been erected outside the reunion tent to subconsciously remind the reunion attendees of their suburban homes.




CS Majors launch 'ambiguous and labelless relationship' pact

(02/19/24 5:00am)

It’s the week after Valentine’s Day, and perhaps you — like thousands of other students at Duke — are still single and contemplating if you’ll ever be loved. You are not alone: Marriages are in decline. Birth rates are down. Depression and isolation are at record levels in the United States. In 2023, the US “epidemic of loneliness” was declared a public health crisis. All around, people are more disconnected. But never fear — as always, a group of Duke CS majors has developed a solution. 


Line monitors implement strict 'No Meanies Allowed' rule in K-Ville

(02/05/24 5:00am)

The annual hoard of Duke students has erected dozens of tents in front of Wilson on their journey from the comfort of their dorm rooms to the brutal, not quite freezing (grace below 32 degrees) conditions of the great North Carolina wilderness of Krzyzewskiville. The tradition of rejecting heat and sleep for a tightly-squeezed, uncomfortable viewing experience of the Duke-UNC basketball game dates back over 30 years. This year, however, major changes from line monitors means tenting might look a little different. 


New pre-professional society to focus on bumming around

(01/22/24 6:22am)

It’s the start of the spring semester, and Duke’s highly selective organizations have descended upon campus to recruit impressionable underclassmen into their ranks. Potential recruits can look forward to a new organization to add to the expansive list: the last DSG Senate hearing saw the charter approval of Beta Upsilon Mu — Duke’s newest pre-professional organization for students who reject pre-professionalism.














Linguistics student accidentally rediscovers eldritch language

(10/03/22 4:00am)

A student in an introductory linguistics class unintentionally reconstructed the rules of an ancient language on a midterm exam, according to an announcement released by the Linguistics department this week. The Vectripincen language had previously been poorly understood by historians, with most surviving texts found in remote, strange crypts, or bound in ancient texts rumored to carry curses. However, the new insights into its verb conjugations, hastily scribbled in the margins of an otherwise low-scoring exam packet, open new doors into understanding Vectripincen’s complex grammatical structure.


Economics majors hold emergency council to address food point inflation

(09/19/22 4:00am)

Bellowing drums echo throughout the Duke Chapel, which is packed to the brim.  I still can’t believe they rented out the marching band for this. Triumphant yet haunting fanfare resonates through the building, and a grim-faced procession of students walks out onto the stage. Suddenly, a booming voice cuts through the music with one word: “SILENCE.”