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(03/31/03 5:00am)
When we elected George W. Bush president, he didn't seem to be the best-qualified person we'd ever seen, but it was like, "How bad could he be?" and "Well, at least he isn't Al Gore." We thought we'd roll the dice a little with this term. Unfortunately, Bush hasn't exactly done a bang-up job. We had asked ourselves, "How much damage could he really do?" Well, I guess, alienate our allies, piss off our enemies, wreck the most successful economy in our country's history with dumb policies and bad tax cuts to turn it into a moribund stagnating mess and embarrass us repeatedly in front of the entire world. Whoops. Tough break. I think this is why our founding fathers made fun of England for letting spoiled-brat morons run around with all the power just because of who their fathers were. I think it might be why we revolted, too.
(03/24/03 5:00am)
It was quite the surreal situation. As George Clinton, looking strikingly like Walt Whitman, led a Whitmanian detonation in Page Auditorium, explosions of another, less American sort, were detonating in Iraq. There was only one thing to do: begin checking everyone's Duke IDs on Towerview Drive. Whoa, I feel safer already. Thank gosh. What I particularly like about this war as that the news still calls us "the Allies," even though it's just us and one other country. "Well, that's what we were called in World War II, and that was a good war, so maybe now that will make this a good war!" But, among the very complex issues involved in the debate on this war, one uncertainty screams louder than the others: Why in the name of gosh is France still on the U. N. Security Council? Does anyone really think this country is important? Should anyone on Earth care what they say? About all they've produced in the last fifty years is a few Jean-Luc Godard films, a couple late existentialist writings and Amelie. They desperately vowed to veto any resolution relating to Iraq no matter what it said, just to show everyone how much power they have. THEODORE HUXTABLE'S PROTEGE hereby passes a resolution. It says "You suck" on it.
(02/24/03 5:00am)
The "Love @ Duke" Recess headline was a monumental event this month, not because it is symptomatic of the Internet-induced "@" epidemic that has infiltrated our society. Rather, with its juxtaposition to beer bottle caps, the headline resigns itself to the self-evidence of the fact that "love" is really just a euphemism for "alcohol" on this campus. The two entities have long vied for preeminence as sexual lubricants in society, but the latter has clearly won out here at Duke, reducing "love" to another word for alcohol that makes us seem not quite so pathetic when we discuss our sexual encounters. While "love" obviously also has its own merits, completely independent of sex, it was unfortunately not discussed in the poll. The interesting thing about the article is aaaaaaaaaaaaah oh my gosh it's two smirking Bill Englishes! Geez, what horror! I know I selected the picture, but still, what a harrowing sight.
(02/17/03 5:00am)
Things are getting rather silly in ACC basketball. Duke's women crushed its two latest conference opponents by an average of 33 points, never losing the lead and extending its conference winning streak to 35 straight games. Down by 23 with 1:34 to go on Monday, Virginia valiantly attempted to fight back by fouling Duke every time they got the ball. Apparently they thought they were playing the 2000-2001 Maryland men's team. As it turned out, they were not. They lost by 27. In men's basketball, Duke's supposedly pathetic 17-4 record has started a panic among the student body. Meanwhile, other uplifting events this past week included the Kappas' "Red Thong Party" (no, not the sorority you idiot, although you wish), and the Griffith showing of 8 Mile, which apparently had nothing to do with the Proclaimers' hit "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)."
