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Stop and smell the roses

(04/06/20 4:00am)

I’ve fallen from grace. This quarantine has driven me so crazy. The routine. The cancellation of my senior spring. The stress. I’m worn down, and I’ve finally caved in and decided to write some kind of op-ed advice column. Yes, this is serious. As a late April Fools Day prank, Leah has allowed me, Monday Monday, to be a little basic—as a treat. Here it goes.

Pass me a Corona: How to cure yourself

(03/23/20 4:00am)

Finally, it has come—Monday Monday’s take on the hot new disease. As The Chronicle’s most trusted expert reporter, I’ve been assigned to cover the only topic in the news more discussed than my articles. The disease is known to some as the senior fever, to racists as the "China virus," to a few as the Corona-with-lime-virus. This disease has had catastrophic effects—like causing the senile exile, the Zoom boom, the cessation of graduation and the caper of toilet paper. 

The Monday Monday Rundown: Inside rush 2020

(01/20/20 5:00am)

As an expert reporter for The Chronicle, I’ve been assigned to cover “rush.” So to capture the broad complexities of January at Duke, I’ve created a one-time only rush newsletter focusing on SLG, Pan-Hell and IFC rush. The newsletter contains a number of headlines and article snippets with everything that you need to know about Rush 2020. Treat it like your Facebook feed—scroll through the snippets quickly, accept them as fact and then talk about them in your public policy class as if you’re an expert.

QUIZ: Can you get to class on an electric scooter without getting injured?

(09/09/19 4:00am)

Early this summer, Durham opened its doors to electric scooters. These public nuisances have become a hot mode of transportation on campus, rivaling even the alluring C3 bus. Unfortunately, some people have suffered injuries from electric scooters. (And they don’t even get free tuition from getting injured!)

Lost and found and lost again

(05/06/19 4:00am)

I believe in the inherent goodness of all people. We’re all born good—I mean, we have to be. It’s not like anyone has a genetic predisposition to be nasty or rude. Somewhere around my fifteenth birthday, I vowed that, no matter what, I wanted to be a good, kind person. Coming to Duke, I tried to keep this vow. I quickly learned I would never be the smartest, prettiest, funniest or most accomplished person in the room, but I could do my best to be genuinely kind.

I dated all four Young Trustee candidates so you don’t have to

(02/11/19 5:00am)

With just one more day until our Young Trustee is selected and just one more week until the student body promptly stops caring, I feel obligated to weigh in on the undergraduate Young Trustee candidates. Like everything else at Duke, this process is performative and ultimately pointless, but still requires an ungodly amount of time and attention. The Young Trustee does not even truly get to act as an advocate for their so-called platform—the job description calls for someone to serve as a holistic representative of the university. Nonetheless, as every white liberal will say, if there’s anything to be learned from the 2016 election, it’s to get out and vote!

Words matter

(11/26/18 5:00am)

It seems almost fitting that I applied for this column as a joke. After all, isn’t that what satire is? The joke that’s just a little too real, the one that makes people laugh uneasily and start looking for the exits. On the application, I wrote a short piece about Larry Moneta and Avengers: Infinity War, except this time it wasn’t the superheroes who dissolved into dust, but our beloved coffee shop Joe van Gogh. You know the meme. It wasn’t very serious work, but underneath the bad puns and stupid jokes it rang true. 

‘Tis the season to be spooky

(10/29/18 5:18pm)

The leaves are changing and the first melancholy note of autumn plays in the crisp air. Jack-o-Lanterns line the quad as campus squirrels fight amongst themselves to devour this tasty orange treat. Halloween draws ever closer, bringing with it the ghoulish costume contests and spooky themed parties that define October’s character. 

Back of the line

(10/15/18 4:00am)

It’s a cool autumn day in K-ville. The cloudless sky is a rich Duke blue and a slight breeze tosses a few browning leaves down the sidewalk. A large crowd of students has gathered here today for an important announcement from their tenting overlords. Framed against the noonday sun stand two co-head line monitors. (Why are there two? No one knows for sure, but maybe it’s because their mascot is redundancy).