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I’ve fallen from grace. This quarantine has driven me so crazy. The routine. The cancellation of my senior spring. The stress. I’m worn down, and I’ve finally caved in and decided to write some kind of op-ed advice column. Yes, this is serious. As a late April Fools Day prank, Leah has allowed me, Monday Monday, to be a little basic—as a treat. Here it goes.
Finally, it has come—Monday Monday’s take on the hot new disease. As The Chronicle’s most trusted expert reporter, I’ve been assigned to cover the only topic in the news more discussed than my articles. The disease is known to some as the senior fever, to racists as the "China virus," to a few as the Corona-with-lime-virus. This disease has had catastrophic effects—like causing the senile exile, the Zoom boom, the cessation of graduation and the caper of toilet paper.
In June of last year, Duke Student Affairs saw a major change of leadership as VP of Student Affairs Larry Moneta (LMo) was forced into retirement because he was scared of rap music and China.
As an expert reporter for The Chronicle, I was assigned to cover Groundhog Day and went to Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania for the story.
As an expert reporter for The Chronicle, I’ve been assigned to cover “rush.” So to capture the broad complexities of January at Duke, I’ve created a one-time only rush newsletter focusing on SLG, Pan-Hell and IFC rush. The newsletter contains a number of headlines and article snippets with everything that you need to know about Rush 2020. Treat it like your Facebook feed—scroll through the snippets quickly, accept them as fact and then talk about them in your public policy class as if you’re an expert.
Last year when I was interviewing a source for an article, he gestured toward me while saying something about “Chinese.”
In the spirit of The New York Times’ “Modern Love” section and Recess’ bite-size love stories column, I asked Duke students and alumni to submit “Tiny Love Stories” told in 100 words or less.
When I was younger, my mama told me I could be anything I wanted. I knew better than to rise above my station.
“Limerick from an alumna”
What do you and a Duke student from the 1800s have in common? You both probably wanted to fix your campus.
Early this summer, Durham opened its doors to electric scooters. These public nuisances have become a hot mode of transportation on campus, rivaling even the alluring C3 bus. Unfortunately, some people have suffered injuries from electric scooters. (And they don’t even get free tuition from getting injured!)
Welcome to Duke! As you settle in and get used to this new environment, you may feel overwhelmed. Luckily, your good buddy Monday Monday is here to assuage your fears by providing some fool-proof tips to surviving orientation week.
I believe in the inherent goodness of all people. We’re all born good—I mean, we have to be. It’s not like anyone has a genetic predisposition to be nasty or rude. Somewhere around my fifteenth birthday, I vowed that, no matter what, I wanted to be a good, kind person. Coming to Duke, I tried to keep this vow. I quickly learned I would never be the smartest, prettiest, funniest or most accomplished person in the room, but I could do my best to be genuinely kind.
With just one more day until our Young Trustee is selected and just one more week until the student body promptly stops caring, I feel obligated to weigh in on the undergraduate Young Trustee candidates. Like everything else at Duke, this process is performative and ultimately pointless, but still requires an ungodly amount of time and attention. The Young Trustee does not even truly get to act as an advocate for their so-called platform—the job description calls for someone to serve as a holistic representative of the university. Nonetheless, as every white liberal will say, if there’s anything to be learned from the 2016 election, it’s to get out and vote!
This week, I decided to give up my column to provide a voice for an anonymous student. Though this student would like to protect his identity, he wants to be sure you all know that he’s “just saying what everyone else is thinking!”
While tapping through the 300th “Best of 2018” Instagram story on my feed, I stopped to reflect on the year as a whole. As anyone with two brain cells knows, 2018 was not a golden year for the United States, let alone the rest of the world. As any good Duke student knows, 2018 for Duke, quite frankly, sucked.
It seems almost fitting that I applied for this column as a joke. After all, isn’t that what satire is? The joke that’s just a little too real, the one that makes people laugh uneasily and start looking for the exits. On the application, I wrote a short piece about Larry Moneta and Avengers: Infinity War, except this time it wasn’t the superheroes who dissolved into dust, but our beloved coffee shop Joe van Gogh. You know the meme. It wasn’t very serious work, but underneath the bad puns and stupid jokes it rang true.
Before I came to college, I had midterms in high school. They happened during the middle of each semester and everyone spent about a week prepping for them. When the time came, we took the exams and wrote the papers, and then we were done until finals. It was simple and predictable. Back then, my life had rules. I thought that would last forever. Oh, how naive I was.
The leaves are changing and the first melancholy note of autumn plays in the crisp air. Jack-o-Lanterns line the quad as campus squirrels fight amongst themselves to devour this tasty orange treat. Halloween draws ever closer, bringing with it the ghoulish costume contests and spooky themed parties that define October’s character.
It’s a cool autumn day in K-ville. The cloudless sky is a rich Duke blue and a slight breeze tosses a few browning leaves down the sidewalk. A large crowd of students has gathered here today for an important announcement from their tenting overlords. Framed against the noonday sun stand two co-head line monitors. (Why are there two? No one knows for sure, but maybe it’s because their mascot is redundancy).