My name is Bill and I am homophobic. That's right--homosexuals just terrify me. Gays are very scary.

I have nightmares about same-sexed people parachuting out of pink planes, ruining all that is sacred as they land in an orgy of unnatural love. Every time I see a rainbow it makes my palms sweat as I remember how frightened I am of these peculiar deviants. I don't walk alone at night for fear that I might encounter one of them on a dimly lit path. I was taught they have diseases, that they corrupt children, and God hates them.

I am so narrow-minded, so prejudiced, I just can't get over this irrational fear of people different than me. It's so frightening to be in a place where homosexuals could be anywhere. My dislike of everything gay comes down to this pathological phobia.

Well okay, that's not quite true. Homosexuals and homosexuality don't cause me to lose any sleep at night. I am not particularly scared by either of them. I wasn't raised on any witch tales about evil gays, and I know they are people too, with an intrinsic share in human dignity. I have even met a few self-labeled homosexuals who otherwise seemed to be decent individuals, which is more than I can say about a lot of people. Nonetheless, since I choose to speak out against gay culture and the political aims of homosexual groups someone is bound to call me homophobic. Surely there could be no other reason for my "backward" position. Indeed the most strategic posturing of the gay political movement has been in its ability to label all who dare disagree with "alternative lifestyles" as homophobic. In a similar manner, Jesse Jackson calls everyone who challenges him racist, multi-culturists call anyone who upholds particular cultural standards xenophobic and clearly anyone who flies the American flag is jingoistic. Homophobe is the dirty name radical homosexuals call all those who disagree with them, and this is a slander I will surely endure.

So what's my beef with the homosexuals (or lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgenders to be exhaustively politically correct)? No other minority group on campus has been able to shakedown the university for such mass quantities of undeserved funds nor used them in such an obscenely political manner.

Today marks the first day of "Coming Out Week," six days of effectively university-funded feel good events and political rallies for those who believe that their sex acts make them special. In the past, while these "festivities" have claimed some status as acts against social ostracism, this year's organizers have been explicit in promoting the political goals of these demonstrations. Politics, I will remind the reader, concerns things over which we have arguments and disagreements. If they can dish out politics, I have no qualms about returning the favor. In addition to further segregating the University by drawing attention to their differences and requiring everyone to meet them on their grounds, the agenda of activist campus homosexuals aims at nothing less than bullying the student body into fully consenting to extraordinarily unconventional sexual mores.

The resounding message is this: There is something wrong with you and your sexual ethics if you have qualms about gay love, either get comfortable with us or get out of the way of our vision of a progressive society. My reply to such a challenge is "no."

It is important to understand that this week's events aren't about tolerance. No one is advocating that homosexuals be tarred and feathered, and, de jure or de facto, consenting adults have full license to any and all bedroom activities they like to pursue.

The question is not whether homosexuals are given the freedom to satisfy a particular sexual preference, but whether everyone else must condone this lifestyle. So long as people like me don't, then there will continue to be heated and inconclusive debates about the public goods that homosexual relationships should command. University programs like "SAFE" will continue to cast mean, backwards people like me against "Allies" in self-consciously hostile language, and sexuality studies will likely expand to further enlighten individuals looking for an easy class credit.

This week's Kiss-in Lunch, Coming Out Week Dinner and Pride Parade are all attempts to undermine personal reservations against homosexual acts through glorified group think. Strength in numbers, right? How can you possibly disagree with so many people? I, however, am quite sure that I do not need to be "comfortable with displays of LGBT affection," which is what the Kiss-in Lunch is meant to help me with, according to the president of the Alliance of Queer Undergraduates at Duke, and a pastel colored parade does not make everything alright nor will it keep me from calling it what it is, a pathetic and ugly display of people comforting themselves and shouting down opposition in a faux moral righteousness.

Consulting my nifty "Harassment Policy at Duke: An Overview" brochure, delivered to my mailbox last week, I think I am still entitled to hold such opinions, though if anyone sees me being carted off by a group of people in white lab coats labeled "CAPS," please call my lawyer.

I should also note that I consulted a few of the hundreds of other green harassment brochures I saw in the post office trash can and they all said the same thing. Seriously though, in addition to myself there are likely to be two victims of Coming Out Week. The first, paradoxically, may be those quiet, normal looking homosexuals who don't shave their heads, wear pink leather pants or desire to convert the world to homosexual sympathies.

They may just want the inconspicuous life they are now living and be equally scandalized by the ridiculous campus radicals who consider themselves the vanguard of gay interests. The second group will be people like me who have to watch this whole spectacle and be told how wrong they are for refusing to buy into the sexual premise of gay culture. Come to think of it, I suppose that is something to be scared of.