Top 10 things to name your BORG before it gets confiscated in K-Ville

Editor's Note - All articles featured in The Chomicle are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Darty season is upon us! I’m sure everyone is sick and tired of seeing the same worn-out names scrawled across gallon jugs sloshing with unnamed liquids in every color of the rainbow. Use these Duke-themed BORG names to show your school spirit in a fresh, creative way!

  1. BORG-an Stanley: If I had a dollar for every time I see someone post on LinkedIn to flex an investment banking job offer, maybe I would have enough money to not envy their starting salaries.
  2. New BORG City:  I hope you don’t have too hard of a time finding friends after college now that you’ve secured that shiny BORG-an Stanley job. Luckily, you will be joined by your entire graduating class in the Big Apple.
  3. Union BORG-sting: Death, taxes and Duke playing the role of cartoon villain. After all, the University’s $12 billion endowment is meant to be hoarded, not spent.
  4. The Empty Space Where Ro-BORG E. Lee’s Statue Used to Be: Rumor has it, if you visit the Chapel at 3:33 a.m. and say Confederate General Robert E. Lee’s name three times, the suit-wearing kid in your political science class will pop out from behind a pillar and start playing Devil’s Advocate.
  5. School BORG Ride to the Barn: Nothing says inclusivity, safety and community-building like hosting frat parties 40 minutes away from campus. Don’t worry about Ubers; there’s no cell service in the sticks!
  6. Im-BORG-ster Syndrome: What do you mean you don’t have seven published academic articles, four internship offers and fifteen executive positions as a freshman? That means you’re desperately behind and probably don’t even deserve to be at this school, honestly.
  7. Annual Five BORG-cent Tuition Increase: How else can we afford to have ice sculptures crafted live at every single event Duke holds?
  8. No more BORG-ing spots: Abandon all hope, ye who enter Blue Zone, because you’re not going to find a spot and will be late to class. And somehow, even if you don’t park your car, you will be ticketed.
  9. BORG-sonal Allergies: From the pink cherry blossoms to the yellow pollen coating every surface, from the birdsong to the echoes of aggressive sneezing, campus is so beautiful this time of year.
  10. Effortless BORG-fection: Duke’s favorite buzzword! We would love to find out what the hell it means someday!

Editor's Note: Happy April Fools' Day! In case you couldn't tell, this was a story for our satirical edition, The Chomicle. Check out more Chomicle stories here, guaranteed to make you laugh or your money back.


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