The world is falling apart.
There was just a shooting somewhere. Climate change is irreversible. Microplastics are seeping into our brains and making us dumber.
Politicians are ignoring real problems while leveraging public office for personal gain. AI wrote this column and is now coming to steal your girlfriend. Humans are causing a mass extinction event. The world is burning.
Boo. Whatever. No one reads the news anyway. No one reads The Chronicle. No one reads the anonymous satirist, especially when he’s not even that smart or funny, he’s just 6 feet 1 inch tall, has a nice smile, and is mostly single.
I applied to be the spring 2023 Monday Monday columnist mostly for the Chron sweatshirt, but also because my New Year’s resolution was to become a journalist. Writing something ridiculous every other week seemed like a good exercise, and the anonymity meant I could screw up pretty badly and still not get flamed on Twitter.
Really, I imagined that my writing would have a real impact on the campus. I imagined Duke waking up on Monday mornings, ready to be amazed by my wit.
That obviously never happened. Turns out no one reads this anyway except for me, my excellent editors and apparently Chris Simmons. Hey Chris.
I loved writing it though, because I made myself laugh. I laughed at Adam Silver, Duke’s union busting efforts and the Chinese balloon drama. I laughed at some other things I probably shouldn’t have laughed at, which didn’t get published because they ended up being offensive and not that funny. Fair enough.
Ultimately, though, writing these five columns got me no b*****s and no clout. Even a piece called “We need to bang right now” didn’t get me laid.
Oh well. The world is falling apart anyway. Thanks for having me.
Chase Pellegrini de Paur is a Duke Kunshan senior.
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