Earlier this month, the Biden administration came under fire for its approval of the Willow Project, an oil venture in Alaska that has stalled for years due to environmental concerns.
Estimated to “generate enough oil to release 9.2 million metric tons of planet-warming carbon pollution a year – equivalent to adding 2 million gas-powered cars to the roads,” many see the approval as a slap in the face of the rapidly warming Earth, which is expected to cross an irreversible threshold by 2030, if it hasn’t already.
And that’s why we need to bang right now.
Whether you’re reading this on a Monday night or a Thursday morning, it is absolutely essential that you and I engage in amazing and consensual sex before our planet is consumed by the biblically foretold devastation of climate destruction.
Carbon emissions and the resultant warming have brought about inclement weather patterns that are becoming not only more frequent, but also more damaging to our homes and environments. This means that, at any moment, we could be struck by a renegade twister and be sent straight into the arms of the Lord. Wouldn’t you rather be sucked into the sky knowing that you spent your last moments having knee-buckling, toe-curling, hallmate-bothering intercourse with me?
With each passing day, humanity marches farther and farther beyond the brink of global disaster. If the floods don’t get us, the fires will. If the fires don’t, the droughts will. If the droughts don’t, the famines will.
You may think this would bring us closer together as a country, as a world. You may think this would be an opportunity for the United States, as a leader on the global stage, to finally fulfill the ideal of the city upon a hill and lead the world in the fight against humanity’s most existential threat.
Quite the contrary.
Our democracy, the government of the planet’s most powerful nation, has never looked more fragile. Political polarization in the United States is at an all time high for the modern era. In 2021, armed insurrectionists stormed the heart of our nation, and yet politicians couldn’t even agree on a basic understanding of what happened that day, much less how to prevent it from happening again.
And all over the world, we continue hating each other, shooting each other, killing each other…
It’s scary, isn’t it? The thought of how helpless we individuals are against this, the greatest test of our species. It’s even scarier to think that we have no one to blame but ourselves. Every minute that we spend trudging through our unsustainable lives is a minute that could be spent trying to at least delay the death of the planet. It’s really scary. Almost as scary as the thought of us shuffling off this mortal coil without ever shuffling off our mortal clothes and finding out how great it would be if we boinked like there’s no tomorrow – because there might not be.
We can take our socks off. We can leave our socks on. We can listen to One Direction. We can be inspired by the lyrics of NLE Choppa, the LDOC headliner. I don’t even care, I’m just so worried about climate change.
And afterward, we could cuddle and talk about the melting ice caps and glaciers. We could show each other pictures of skinny polar bears and roll around in the puddles of tears we shed thinking about the mass extinction event happening not only around us, but because of us. We could write angry letters to Joe Biden, who betrayed our generation by approving the Willow Project.
The next day, when we each get in our cars and drive the single mile to the back of Blue Zone instead of taking the C1, when we crank the AC instead of opening the windows, when we eat beef instead of the more sustainable alternatives… At least we’ll know how delightful it was to gain an intimate and respectful understanding of each other’s most private parts.
We may both be busy people. It may be inconvenient for us to get together and do the no-pants dance on a Monday night. But it’s not as inconvenient as the inevitable truth of climate change. Please text me.
Monday Monday is… inconsolable… and cannot be alone right now.
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