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Chinese spy balloon murdered Gardens koi fish, per President Price


Last week, The Chronicle reported on the death of nearly 20 of the koi fish in the Duke garden’s pond. President Price announced this morning that the administration has identified the culprit behind the massacre. 

“Our investigation has concluded that the Chinese spy balloon focused a highly sophisticated laser weapon onto the pond in an intentional effort to kill the fish,” he said at a rainy news conference outside of Hart House at 8 a.m. EST. 

One hand held an open umbrella and the other pushed his cute little Harry Potter glasses back up his nose while he confidently blamed a nation of 1.4 billion people for all of the problems plaguing Duke University since he took office in 2017.

The truth, though, was even bigger than a few dead fish. “My team collaborated tirelessly with the U.S. Department of Defense to identify other areas of sabotage on Duke’s campus,” Price continued. “It has become clear that China is responsible for all of the suffering we experience on a daily basis. They even made it rain today, probably because they have a twisted vendetta against me and wanted to ruin my new haircut.”

In response to these international acts of aggression, President Price declared that Duke will be fortifying itself in preparation for a Chinese invasion that is the only plausible next step. 

The chapel will be converted into a 210-foot missile to be used for defensive purposes only. Duke club equestrian’s horses will be repossessed by the university to form a cavalry unit. And to protect against foreign agents, anyone attempting to enter campus buildings will be required to convincingly shout “BULLSHIT!” as if they were in Cameron during the last seconds of the UVA game

“These steps are necessary because of China’s repeated acts of aggression,” Price said. “Why do they have all those weapons if they’re not going to use them?”

On an unrelated note, Price mentioned that Lockheed Martin, one of the world’s largest defense contractors, had donated $200 million and equipment to the university. He assured the crowd that this will have no impact on the daily lives of students, except for some minor construction noise as a new Patriot air-defense system, as recently sent to Ukraine, is installed on the roof of Kilgo. 

“This donation from one of the most prestigious defense contractors in the world is unrelated to the recent revelations about China. Let me be abundantly clear –there is no link between this donation, the military industrial complex, and recent revelations about how bad China is.”

The full report of Price’s investigation will be released later this week. But The Chronicle has gained exclusive access to several bombshell and probably true allegations. It claims that China also used its crack team of highly trained hackers to make the QuadEx website look like a CS 101 project, slow down C1 services and cause the Wannamaker dorm fire alarm to go off every few days. 

While this may all seem trivial, the investigation explains that it is all part of a highly concerted effort to sow unhappiness in university students and make us all into communists, thereby starting even more fights with our uncles at Thanksgiving and tearing apart the very fabric of American society.

“We are confident it is China, probably. They continue to violate our international sovereignty as they rise to power. The very existence of the PRC is a threat to democracy everywhere. There is no room for nuance in this issue so we should be prepared to go to war,” said Price. 

Earlier this month, U.S. Secretary of State Antony Blinken canceled his trip to China following the spy balloon scandal. Price also announced that Duke will follow suit by closing its Kunshan University campus because “the only way to resolve diplomatic issues is to stop talking to each other” and “it’s not like we cared about DKU students anyway.” 

Later in the conference, Price invited students to share how China has caused strife in their lives. One Duke Student Government senator bravely stepped forward to explain that China has been using its superior balloon technology to sap DSG’s competence and motivation, thereby preventing meaningful change on campus.

“It’s just so hard,” said the DSG senator, choking back tears, “to know that China has been behind all of our inaction.” 

Another student took the mic. “My Café latte was too hot yesterday and too cold today,” said the victim. “Will they stop at nothing to bring misery to America?”

“I’m not saying that we should go to war with China,” clarified President Price. “No one, literally no one, would benefit from war between the world’s two largest economies. We are each other’s single largest trading partners so any disruption would be literally catastrophic to life as we know it. But it just really seems inevitable.”

Not a single person in China could be reached for comment on this story because we did not try to reach them and would rather ignore nuance and amplify calls to buy more weapons.

Monday Monday is back, and still working to confirm reports that the People’s Liberation Army is responsible for wrecking my grades by using their mind control beams to make me open Tinder whenever I try to sit down and study.


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