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Duke tour guides to be paid in highly coveted Kinzcash starting April 32

The Chomicle

Tour guides will soon no longer be free labor for Duke. Starting April 32, the Office of Undergraduate Admissions will start paying them in KinzCash, the highly coveted currency used only in Webkinz World.

“Even though we have an $8 billion dollar endowment and we pay work study students to sit at desks to do nothing, we’re still too poor to pay tour guides who do actual work with real money,” said Duke administrator Chronicle H. Ater.

Ater hopes the new payments in KinzCash will encourage more students to become tour guides. 

“I think Webkinz is a great virtual representation of buying and saving and accumulating wealth,” he said. “Ninety percent of Duke students go on to become investment bankers and consultants anyway, so we’re hoping that they’ll take the opportunity to become a tour guide, earn some KinzCash and practice investing in the Webkinz World first.”

Tour guides will be paid 69 Kinzcash for every tour. In order to receive payment, tour guides must first purchase a $60 Webkinz from the University Store and create a Webkinz account. KinzCash also cannot be converted to Flex Points or Food Points.

Students had many things to say about this new change.

“I love this,” current tour guide Bro Kass Stoodent said. “If I spend all my time giving tours, I can buy that one really expensive toilet for my Cheeky Monkey pet.”

Later that week, Stoodent passed out from exhaustion from giving his 100th tour and was sent to Dr. Quack for consultation.

“Duke is definitely heading in the right direction," tour guide No Moony said. “To give Duke students the chance to sell a misleading, glorified image of the University in exchange for fake money is truly an unparalleled opportunity.”

Editor's Note: Happy April Fools' Day! In case you couldn't tell, this was a story for our satirical edition, The Chomicle. Check out more Chomicle stories here, guaranteed to make you laugh or your money back.

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