Lucky members of Duke’s selective living groups will now get prime real estate on campus, right in Krzyzewskiville’s tents.
After announcing that they’d kick all SLGs off campus in 2023, University administration changed course, which they had never before done in their smooth rollout of QuadEx.
“See, we really do care about maintaining community,” said Admini Strator, vice president of killing campus life. “We’ve been taking input from student leaders but we unilaterally made this decision in your best interests.”
In an effort to end the campus culture of selectivity, K-Ville housing will be open to all undergraduates, even those not in SLGs. “We actually discussed renaming selective living groups to just ‘living groups’ but decided that would go against our current course of action: slowly killing these organizations,” said an administrator who wished to remain anonymous because they’re tired of transparency.
Members of SLGs will now be able to get ahead of the Cameron Crazies and start tenting in August. However, they won’t receive entry to the Duke-North Carolina game unless they take a non-curved knowledge test of every minor detail about Duke men’s basketball, because that would be ridiculous.
Boot L. Icker, president of Beigerock SLG, was excited to see the change. “Now we don’t have to worry about membership numbers tanking without section housing,” he said. “Instead, we can focus on important things like not getting trench foot when it rains and defending our honor on Greekrank.”
SLG members’ hopes of reduced housing fees were quickly dashed. “Of course SLGs will pay full price for housing,” Strator said. “How else will we have the budget to invite Richard Nixon’s reanimated corpse to speak on campus?”
SigEp R. Eject, vice president of Pooper House SLG, had reservations. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m really grateful that admin hasn’t flogged us in the town square like they said they would,” he began. “But it seems kind of unfair that Kappa Sugma gets to keep their McMansion after all of their members performed ritualistic animal sacrifice on their neighbor’s front lawn last week.”
Editor's Note: Happy April Fools' Day! In case you couldn't tell, this was a story for our satirical edition, The Chomicle. Check out more Chomicle stories here, guaranteed to make you laugh or your money back.
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