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Duke to source sushi at Gyotaku from Gardens koi pond due to increasing costs

The Chomicle

Due to inflation and supply chain issues, the cost of seafood has risen exponentially over the past year, leading Duke Dining to get scrappy with it. If your sushi has given you the creeps over the last couple days, it’s because our garden’s favorite flappy friends are on your plate.   

The Chomicle investigated the case. 

Students began raising questions when, this past Monday, the interior of the Brodhead Center was plastered top to bottom in pastel-colored posters. Featuring stalks of wheat and ambiguous human figures dressed in solids, these Canva graphics boldly proclaimed, “We eat local.” 

The campaign was quickly traced back to Gyotaku whose employees were spotted earlier that day hauling Radio Flyer wagons up Flowers Drive. Upon closer glance, student bystanders realized the wagons were chock full of koi, wrapped in “Class of 2022” blankets to hide them from view. Unfortunately, these giant ass fish kept flopping out of the wagons as Gyotaku employees scrambled urgently to scoop them back up. 

They weren’t always quick enough, however, and had to contend with opposition from student protesters. Self-described “Guardian of the Garden” Alexander P. Wild was seen running closely behind the wagons, catching rogue fish and returning them to the pond. Using the picnic tapestry he always keeps in his backpack, Wild fashioned a makeshift BabyBjörn and guided them back to water with haste. 

“I guess I liken it to mothers who can lift cars when their children are in danger,” Wild commented to Chomicle reporters. “The adrenaline of it all got to me and I knew it was time to get this rear in gear.”

Though the swish-swash of his quick-wicking hiking pants caused a small to medium sized commotion in the gardens, no others stepped in to support Wild in the fight against Gyotaku. 

Attempting to quell Wild’s mounting one-man protest, the head of Duke Dining and President Pap A. Price released a joint statement, also via Canva, that elaborated on the future of Duke sushi. 

“We recognize that the fish supply in the gardens is finite,” the statement read. “That is why we’ve partnered with Student Conduct to launch an exciting initiative called KoiEx wherein students who face student conduct violations spend the week at the Marine Lab harvesting the University’s fish supply for the following week. We hope they learn their lesson and in turn take great pride in providing nigiri for their fellow Blue Devils. #goduke.”

Though no new menu items have been confirmed, sources report that Sazon is currently in talks with Duke Athletics and plans to use K-Ville's rotten grass as the base for all future burrito bowls.

Editor's Note: Happy April Fools' Day! In case you couldn't tell, this was a story for our satirical edition, The Chomicle. Check out more Chomicle stories here, guaranteed to make you laugh or your money back.

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