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Students burn down Chapel after benches removed from campus

The Chomicle

After administrators preemptively removed campus benches to prevent an illegal bench burning, students struck back at the heart of Duke’s campus—the Chapel.

Spurred by a rogue Yik Yak message, a raucous crowd of thousands gathered on the quad and set their sights on the University’s most iconic building. They surrounded the heart of campus and made their attack from every direction, reducing the Chapel to charred rubble in around 30 minutes before heading back to whatever they were doing before. 

“Now that I think about it, the benches were kinda lame anyway,” junior Piro Tecnic said as he cocked his arm back to toss a Molotov cocktail at the Chapel. “Like if you’re not burning something of significant historical or architectural value, why are you even doing it?”

Students did not have a fire permit to burn down the Chapel, Durham Fire Marshal Siren Ohn explained. In 1967, a permit to burn the Chapel was granted to a group of Satanists, he added, but the deed was never completed because they got bored and left.

Administrators have pivoted quickly in response to the unanticipated move and announced a plan to stack all the benches up where the Chapel used to be. The hope, they added, would be for students to climb up the precarious tower of benches and sit on their house’s bench, allowing them to meet other students on their way up or down.

“This Bench Chapel is an exciting new development to build community in the QuadEx initiative,” said Don T. Burnham, associate vice president of student affairs. “Nothing brings students together like a precarious, haphazard pile of wood in the middle of campus. We can’t wait to see all the lifelong friendships formed here.”

Editor's Note: Happy April Fools' Day! In case you couldn't tell, this was a story for our satirical edition, The Chomicle. Check out more Chomicle stories here, guaranteed to make you laugh or your money back.

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