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NC to lift all COVID restrictions so Duke students can finally enjoy LDOC

The Chomicle

North Carolina will lift its mask mandate and gathering limit in advance of Duke’s last day of classes, Gov. Chicken Coop announced Wednesday. 

While North Carolina has outperformed its neighbors in its handling of the pandemic, state officials have said in recent days that they’d rather handle a new surge in cases than hear college students whine about not being allowed to party. Also, they’re really sick of this shit.

“F*** it,” Coop told reporters Wednesday afternoon. 

Duke spokesperson Michelle Spinmaster said the Health System would invest in additional ICU beds before the end-of-year concert.

“First we give them to the first-years who get alcohol poisoning, then we give them to the old people who get COVID a week later,” she said. “It’s a win-win.”

For the concert, the Duke Union for Underwhelming Programming plans to hire pirate cosplayers to sing sea shanties popular on TikTok, a student familiar with the thinking of DUUP leadership said.

Editor's Note: Happy April Fools' Day! In case you couldn't tell, this was a story for our satirical edition, The Chomicle. Check out more Chomicle stories here, guaranteed to make you laugh or your money back. 

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