The independent news organization of Duke University

Okay. Abolish Duke.

satire

Housing reform schmousing reform. 

What a bunch of whiners. They’re just jealous they didn’t get in.

I am conservative. And I consider myself intelligent. And I don’t like student activism. And I am an intelligent, conservative person, so I know that I am correct. About student activism being bad, that is. Student activism is a thrashing, lovecraftian creature with an unpronounceable name and mucoid tendrils that thrust themselves deep into Uncle Sam’s every orifice until he’s crumpled over gagging and convulsing on the sustainably-sourced vegan carpet of one of the six unnecessary conference rooms in upstairs West Union. This semester, Cthulhu aims its cosmic wrath towards Greek life.

I know Greek life has its issues. But not all cops are bastards! I mean—wait. Sorry. I mean, not all fraternities and sororities are perpetuating toxicity! I know plenty of good cops! Wait—no—I mean I know plenty of good people in frats and sororities and SLGs and stuff who don’t do sexual misconduct and who are racially and socioeconomically also good. Er—diverse, I mean.

I’m no monster. I know there’s a problem. I know Greek life has its issues. But the only difference between me and these radicals is that they want to fix these problems by cutting them off at the source and I want to fix them by—look over there, a bird! Did you see that? No? Oh well. Anyways, how am I the bad guy here?  It’s not fair! Which is to say that I don’t like it! This is my opinion, okay? Stop trying to shove your opinion down my throat! That’s what I do! With my opinion! To your throat! 

The calls for abolition are confusing. I am so confused by them! What do they even mean? Abolish? What is that? Huh? You can’t just take something that has existed for a long time and make it not exist anymore! If there are no cops, then who’s going to protect people? Wait—I mean—I—if there’s no Greek life, who’s gonna offer friendship and community? Y’know, other than friends and communities.

These guys wanna axe the whole shebang! These housing reform people. They’ve got a website and everything. And yeah, okay, Greek life has its issues. But they’re accusing us of white supremacy, misogyny, classism, homophobia, transphobia and sexual misconduct. I take issue with these accusations! Not because they’re not true, but because they’ve listed them all out at the same time like that! That’s very unflattering!

I know Greek life has its issues. Seriously. I know that Greek organizations are irredeemably racist, sexist, classist and elitist. And I know that Greek life often falls short in areas such as sexual assault and racial and socioeconomic diversity.

Anyways, I counted your signatures, idiots! Tsk tsk. You would’ve gotten away with it, had it not been for those meddling signatures. The signatures tell the story. Most of the signatures on the “Abolish Panhel” petition come from people who wouldn’t be negatively impacted by the actions the petition proposes. Y’know, like how you would expect every single signature on literally every petition to be? I was going to use this as a point in my favor, but I forget how. 

These activists are so self-righteous. They think Greek life is so bad that the only option is complete dismantlement. That’s ridiculous. If you hate it so much, why don’t you not marry it? I know Greek life has its issues, but if these jokers really believe it’s irredeemable, then they should apply that same logic to Duke itself! Ha! Gotcha! It’s such a double standard. What’re you gonna say to that one? “Abolish Duke!  But only after it’s given me my education and only as long as its reputation isn’t damaged to the extent that my degree becomes less valuable?”

Fools! Fools, every one of you! Racism runs deep in Duke’s roots, and spreads uncomfortably close to the branches we grab onto to climb upwards today. So should we just abolish Duke?

Yes. Unironically yes.

But we can’t. So we won’t. Why can’t we see that it’s the same for Greek life? Despite its heinous past and present, Duke provides the essential societal resource of higher education, and despite its heinous past and present, Greek life provides the essential societal resource of [Mihir, can you think of something for me here? I’m just really swamped with readings and I know that there’s something I can put here but I’m just really tired from all these readings. Also sorry I’ve been getting all of my drafts to you so late]. 

Greek life has its issues. And reform has to happen. But we’ve reformed before, and we can reform again! We’ll keep reforming until we’ve fixed every bad thing about Greek life! Even if it means reforming out of existence! 

Oh shit.

Rabble-rousers gotta rouse rabble. But it’s incredibly belittling to victims of sexual assault and racist aggressions to play devil's advocate to Greek life, even in a cutesy way. I have to call it out. I’m Monday Monday. It’s my civic duty.

Discussion

Share and discuss “Okay. Abolish Duke.” on social media.