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Here’s the foolproof quarantine transformation plan you’ve been waiting for

satire from recess

Social distancing, isolation, impending economic crisis, radical reconstruction of everyday life — do these words ring a bell to you? If so, you’re probably scrolling through [insert brain-melting social media platform here], looking for the next small dose of dopamine to fuel your reality denial.

That’s why there’s no time like the present — when time is endless and panic is forever — to transform yourself into the person you always promised yourself you would be, but kept being too busy to be. What else should you do with the luxury of being stuck at home (maybe even out of work — more free time!) but ignore the need to process your situation and instead set extremely transformative goals for yourself? Who cares if tomorrow isn’t guaranteed!

This is not like those other times, where life, passion, hobbies and the driving force of capitalism kept you working so hard you couldn’t even remember what for. You know what this is for: this is for you. 

There are three plans to choose from: 

BASIC: Mind, Body, Soul, Recalibration 

Timeline: 14 days

This plan includes everything you could expect in 14 days: high expectations, impossible daily commitments, 6 a.m. wake-up drills. No one should feel well-rested. 

Your mind? Transform it by reading 100 books. Every day. 

Your body? 500 sit ups, 1000 push-ups, 10 mile run. Every day. 

Your soul? You don’t have one anymore. Where we’re going after this, you won’t need it. 

This plan is guaranteed to make you post about your transformation on Facebook but still feel like shit. 

INTERMEDIATE: Finding Y.O.U.: Your Own Uniqueness

Timeline: One month

Some people take a gap year from college to find themselves. What about a gap year from life? 

Condensed into this one-month program is everything self-actualization promised, but from the comfort of your own home and pajamas. Who knew you could commodify self-discovery? (I’ll answer: elite universities.)

We start slow, a Marie Kondo-ing of your closet. Then, of your soul. 

By the end of this re-exploration, you’ll find the you that you’ve always wished you could be. Or you could volunteer, take time to find security and brace yourself for changes outside of your control. Or maybe you could feel a false sense of control from our program. 

ADVANCED: Ultimate Transformation

Timeline: ??? 

With this program, you are guaranteed to start and finish every project you’ve put off since birth. That comic book you started in 6th grade? Finish it. That podcast? Launch it. Your bangs? Cut them. Start that business. Write that book. Refuse to cry. Develop that start-up. 

There is no real structure, just time, anxiety and productivity. 

We don’t know how long this will last, so why put a time cap on your transformation? Who says you should ever stop transforming? Keep transforming until you transcend into your next being in the good life. 

You don’t want the future to come without a “future you” who’s ready to tackle anything — except, of course, the impending financial crisis, your Zoom-class assignments, the dishes your dad asked you to wash for the hundredth time, your emotional unavailability, and all those other unimportant tasks.

Omolola Sanusi is a Recess contributing writer and she hopes this satirical article finds you as well as you can be, given the circumstances.

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