I’ll start off with a confession: I don’t like cats. I’ve never liked cats. Beyond making my allergies flare up, they’re pretentious and unfriendly. Why do they always look so mad?
With that said, I can tolerate most cats. But there’s one feline I just can’t stand.
You guessed it: I hate Peaches.
I can already hear people’s indignant response. “Peaches is such a valuable member of the Duke community,” they argue. “She contributes so much to this campus.”
They do have a point: there’s no one else who could fill her valuable contributions of laying in the sun or laying in her heated home outside the Keohane 4B dorm. But what has Peaches ever done to deserve her own caretakers and Facebook pages and Chronicle fluff pieces?
It certainly isn’t her cheery disposition. She’s a mean, grumpy cat. It can’t be her self-dependency that inspires Duke students. She’s spoiled rotten, living in a luxurious cat house with students at her beck-and-call to feed her and take care of her. It can’t be because she’s the only cat on this campus. There are a flock of cats all over campus—including Peaches’ partner in crime, Mama Bean—but Peaches is selfish and hogs all of the attention. Sounds like your average Duke student.
“What has she ever done to you?” people will say. That’s a perfectly reasonable question to ask. Until spring 2019, I didn’t have an answer. And then she attacked me.
It was a fine sunny afternoon, and I was walking back to my dorm in a great mood. I see Peaches sunbathing on a short wall, and I decide that today was the day I pet her. I see students do it all the time. I reach out gingerly, stroking her back, and bam! She scratches my hand. It didn’t take long for my hand to start swelling up, and I had to take allergy medicine to make the swelling go down.
Look, I get it. I wouldn’t want to be petted either. But if she can hate me, I sure as hell can hate her. So should you. I promise, she doesn't love you as much as you love her.
And besides, the only peaches I like are in my Burnett’s.
Hope you rot in hell, Peaches!
Jake Satisky is the lame duck editor-in-chief of The Chomicle. Since it's the satirical edition, you can be the judge of whether he actually believes every word in this column or not. He also just finished "Tiger King," which has nothing to do with this column, but there are cats in it, so he thought he should mention it.
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Editor's Note: Happy April Fools' Day! In case you couldn't tell, this was a story for our satirical edition, The Chomicle. Check out more Chomicle stories here, guaranteed to make you laugh or your money back.