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DSG passes resolution condemning coronavirus

The Duke Sententious Government Senate passed a resolution condemning the coronavirus at its weekly Zoom meeting.

The Condemners Of a Vicious and Insidious Disease (COVID) caucus organized the effort. The resolution passed in a unanimous vote at the Senate’s meeting, which was held in a virtual conference room. The document calls the coronavirus “dangerous, highly contagious and probably working with a part of the U.S. government we don’t like.” 

It also says the virus has had a “deep impact on the Duke community,” including the cancellation of DSG senators’ beach week plans.

“Whereas the novel coronavirus has ruined our plan to pregame for Spangal while watching ‘The West Wing’ and talking about how we’re going to effect political change from the outside at consulting firms,” the resolution reads, “let it hereby be resolved that the virus is lame and should be banned from campus forever.”

An addendum to the resolution reads, “Oh yeah, and it kills people.”

DSG Czarina Liv McKinsey, who introduced the resolution, called it “the only option we had left.”

“Campus closing really hurt me. I haven’t been able to stand on the BC Plaza promoting a dorky event in weeks,” she said. “That was the last straw.”

Public health experts expect the act to be a turning point in the fight against the virus, which has now infected hundreds of thousands worldwide.

“This is serious business,” said a guy on Twitter who looks like a doctor because he’s wearing a mask in his profile photo. “Now that Duke’s student government has spoken out, I think nations around the world are going to wake up to the threat this virus poses and start taking serious action.”

Idont Feelsogood, a temporary spokesperson for the coronavirus, called the resolution “deeply unfair.”

“The coronavirus is engaging in abstract performance art about the dangers of globalization and the semiotics of connectedness in an Internet-enabled society,” he said. “This will not affect its plans to come to campus in September.”

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