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'This shit didn't work': Rubberstein Arts Center to be demolished

The Chomicle

Less than two years after the construction of the Rubberstein Arts Center was completed, Duke administrators have decided to call it quits.

“If I’m being completely honest, this shit just didn’t work,” said Mona Lisa, vice provost for arts and crafts. “Campus support for the arts has hit rock bottom. Only one person showed up to the finger painting workshop in the Ruby Lounge last week — and it was me.”

Lisa implied that administrators had originally thought the construction of an overpriced and nauseatingly sterile arts center would increase interest in arts-related majors and attendance at on-campus arts events. But it became clear, day by painfully slow day, that the Rubby had been dead on arrival. 

The demolition is scheduled for next Tuesday, so I, a Chomicle reporter, visited the arts center to figure out, once and for all, what it is about the Rubby that’s so unappealing. 

The clack of my shoes on the concrete floor echoes against the concrete walls, and I paused to examine the concrete sculpture that greets visitors in the lobby. I bent down to read the plaque placed in front of it.

THIS “WORK OF ART” WAS MADE BY AN ARTSY-FARTSY STUDENT IN SOME PRETENTIOUS DESIGN PROGRAM. EVEN THOUGH THE ARTIST SHOWS GREAT POTENTIAL FOR CREATING EXPENSIVE EYESORES, HE WILL ULTIMATELY CHOOSE TO PURSUE A CAREER IN FINANCE. 

Shuddering, I rose to my feet, and heard a shout from across the long concrete hallway. I turned my head. The lonesome barista who works at the coffee cart in the Rubby was beckoning me over.

“You’re the first person I’ve laid eyes on in three days,” the barista told me, his eyes widening in shock. “I’m not sure I remember what it’s like to speak to another human being.” 

Then he reached over the cart, grabbing at my hand. “Please buy something! They’re threatening to fire me! Latte? Americano? MORNING BUN?”

I declined. He dropped his head into his hands and began to weep. 

“Oh, the barista? Yeah, we fired him,” Lisa told The Chomicle.

Editor's Note: Happy April Fools' Day! In case you couldn't tell, this was a story for our satirical edition, The Chomicle. Check out more Chomicle stories here, guaranteed to make you laugh or your money back. 

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