No March Madness, no problem.
Duke Athletics made history this week, becoming the first collegiate program to recognize GamePigeon's Cup Pong as an official varsity sport. The decision will cost the University $5 million in scholarships, licensing fees, equipment and more, but it comes at a time when the country yearns for athletic competition, in whatever form it may take.
“COVID-19 has forced the University’s hand,” Director of Athletics Kevin Spite said. “Nobody cares about basketball anymore. Duke is, and always will be, about The Pong.”
A reckoning some say has been long coming, Duke has announced its decision amid efforts to recruit and train some of the most talented in the game. Reports from Adrian Wojzyzewski have identified already-enrolled freshman John Piazza as a potential target for recruitment efforts.
Piazza, in his short playing career, is racking up a .75 cup per shot average and acquires balls back at a clip of one every two turns. The freshman has attracted attention from the transfer portal as well as professional play, but he says he remains committed to staying and completing his degree and Cup Pong career at Duke.
“I would be lying if I said the money wasn’t tempting,” Piazza said. “But my mom has always told me that my education comes first, and virtual drinking second. I’ll be honored to play out my years in front of the Blue Devil faithful. Pro ball can wait.”
And the Blue Devils will need him to perform, their hopes of a high seed in the National Consumption of Alcohol Association tournament being predicated on his next few matchups. It’s a lot to expect of an 18-year-old, but Piazza is actually hitting his peak performance years.
The founder of GamePigeon, Raspy Coo, could not be reached for comment, as she was doing her business above your Honda Civic at press time. However, she has made it known in the past that she will tolerate no bouncing whatsoever in the sport she invented.
“I removed us from March Madness because I knew it was the right thing to do,” President Rinse Price said. “But now, it is time to give the students something to cheer for.”
And for all of us, this comes as a boon to our spirits—our Blue Devils on the national stage, once again. Redemption.
Editor's Note: Happy April Fools' Day! In case you couldn't tell, this was a story for our satirical edition, The Chomicle. Check out more Chomicle stories here, guaranteed to make you laugh or your money back.
Get The Chronicle straight to your inbox
Signup for our weekly newsletter. Cancel at any time.