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Pass me a Corona: How to cure yourself

not not true

Finally, it has come—Monday Monday’s take on the hot new disease. As The Chronicle’s most trusted expert reporter, I’ve been assigned to cover the only topic in the news more discussed than my articles. The disease is known to some as the senior fever, to racists as the "China virus," to a few as the Corona-with-lime-virus. This disease has had catastrophic effects—like causing the senile exile, the Zoom boom, the cessation of graduation and the caper of toilet paper. 

The devastating chain of events began in November of 2019 in a basement room of the Sanders 2020 Campaign where Bernie bros collectively conspired ways to secure both the Democratic nomination and the subsequent general election. They quickly settled on a tool that would help eliminate the exact demographics that Bernie couldn’t reach; a tool they called—“The Boomer Remover.” The college-aged bros worked hard brewing mixes of bat soup and casting incantations that they hoped would ultimately result in the cancellation of their midterms. Once the concoction was ready, they planted it in Wuhan, China where they knew the government would ignore the disease’s growth. Since then, the disease has resulted in a horrible apocalyptic consequence—a comedy gold rush. Suddenly, everyone thinks they’re funny, which is probably because simply posting a meme referencing the pandemic garners hundreds of likes. Originality is dead; we all pray to shrines of  “The Boomer Remover” now. 

Now, the little spiky virus is here in North Carolina. It conveniently cancelled Duke MBB’s worst season in years and brought the wrath of cancel culture down upon the Class of 2020’s senior spring. In fact, it is alive and well right in the Rone Zone—oh, sorry, I mean Station Nine and Berkshire 9th. Seniors living off campus are now starring in the real-life version of Survivor that ends when they inevitably either get sick or give up and go home to have their parents take care of them. In this article, I’ve compiled a number of tips on how to get the disease in order to have immunity and be able to travel this summer, how to subsequently cure yourself of the disease, and how to survive in quarantine for those wishing to go insane.

Getting a bottle of Corona is unsurprisingly insanely easy even if you’re under 21. The first place we can look is right on Duke Students’ favorite dating App: Parrot. Parrot is a great way to meet people to hook up with, and fortunately, the group of Fuqua students who were arrogant enough to travel to Asia during a global pandemic love Parrot. These infected Fuqua students were able to successfully start their lives as societal Darwinian menaces before graduating business school, and they will happily respond to your DMs on Parrot and hook up with you in their sneeze-covered apartments. The second place to look in Durham are our tried and true disease hubs: Shooters II, Devine’s and Maverick’s. In fact, Kim Cates herself put out the following statement: “I encourage Duke students to come on down to Shooters II and continue to give us business. The Tri Delts are here, so you know it’s still popping! We’d actually love for the CDC to shut us down and finally give us an excuse to open Shooters III.”

The students taking Zoom classes at home may have a harder time acquiring the disease while you’re locked in bed enjoying your free Italian Pornhub Premium accounts. My best tip to you all would be to participate in Zoom Hazing, which fraternities have instituted to maintain their power over freshmen. Once hazing has compromised your immune systems, you should take advantage of cheap flights to travel the world to places like Venice that both this pandemic and global climate change will soon render uninhabitable. Lastly, Brad Leone and Claire Saffitz feature a great bat soup recipe on the Bon Appetit Test Kitchen that I cannot recommend enough.

Once you have successfully gotten sick, there are a few proven ways to rid yourself of the disease. The first is kindly asking it to leave your body. If it does not listen, threaten it by saying: “Bro, I will literally beat the shit out of you if you don’t leave this party right now.” Duke students can rid themselves of the disease by going to Vondy and staring into Jared’s eyes until his piercing gaze eliminates the disease. For all college students, the internet recommends that you either drink bleach or eat tide pods but not both to cleanse yourself. Drinking Aristocrat or Diesel fuel are also proven cures. The National Hand Sanitizer Lobby recommends that all Americans and specifically the elderly spend an hour a day bathing in Purell.

Perhaps the hardest part of this pandemic is surviving in quarantine. Toilet Paper is at an all-time low. Please consider using both Tar Heel Shirts and your old midterms to wipe your ass. To pass the time, consider hacking into your online classes to ensure you’ll pass. You can participate in lots of other fun activities like watching entertaining TV shows like porn, reading page-turners like the Kama Sutra, playing the thrilling board game and online app—“Show me bobs n vagene” or interacting with the Zoom pop-up ads that help you find hot, horny moms in your area. Admit it, sex is all that’s on your mind now that you horny animals are separated from each other off campus.  

Finally, here are six world updates that happened while you were juuling and having sex during your Zoom classes.  

  1. Yesterday, Sunday March 22, The Blue Devil died from the pandemic. 
  2. The students who got sent home from studying abroad in the spring are talking incessantly about how the month they spent in Spain and the two months of online Spanish classes they took from their beds in Connecticut changed them.
  3. Comp sci alums working for Twitter and Facebook are feeling pretty happy about being able to work from home; whereas consultants, whose work relies on travel, feel pretty stupid as they’re holed up in their apartments doing nothing, except for the McKinsey consultants who definitely got paid to cause this pandemic. 
  4. Alums working for coffin companies are rolling in dough. 
  5. Tallman Trask III desperately tried to make up for the time he abused a PTS employee. 
  6. Sadly, Keith and Nugget are all alone on campus. 

Monday Monday would love to know if DSig’s Pie N Hard party will still happen and would love for someone to come visit them during this quarantine and give them the disease: they need to get away from their girlfriend.

Omg Monday Monday is freaking out a member of the CDC just called them personally and told them they need to isolate themself immediately because they found out one of the new symptoms of the virus is being hot, having a great personality, and a big juicy a**. Send this to 5 h**s u think might be infected.

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