The Community Editorial Board is independent from the editorial staff of the Chronicle.
6,000 undergraduate students just returned to campus, nearly 2,000 of them are new faces, and a grand total of 30 of them are avid readers of our edits—so what are you waiting for? Come Stumble!
Stumble is the premier social app for Duke students. Developed by the Community Edit Board, for the community, Stumble lets you meet other students with your shared interests, passions, and preferences. Are you tired of vapid interactions built on accumulating social capital? Stumble into our platform and let algorithms do the work for you!
Hip, cool and trendy, Stumble is coming soon to an App Store near you (sorry, no Android support). The app allows you to filter students based on arbitrary characteristics including, but not limited to, favorite color, the first initial of your mother’s maiden name, the last 3 digits of your GPA and daily hours logged on the C1. Maybe you'll finally find a niche beyond a group of the exact same type of people you hung out with in high school, but we won't hold our breath!
Once you Stumble onto your new acquaintances, you'll also have the option to beta-test an exciting new feature that automates everyday interactions. No longer will you have to halfheartedly vocalize your desire to “go case” with someone or maybe even “grab a meal sometimes” because this innovative app will do it for you. With the tap of your screen, you can schedule these messages and others to be sent at specifically timed intervals throughout the day. Removing a nerve-wracking stumbling block from your social life, the app will even ghost the people in your contacts too irrelevant for even automated responses.
“Wait,” you may be wondering, “how do I know I've stumbled onto the real deal?” Good question—you sure did pick the perfect opportunity to start thinking critically! Our team of developers are some of the finest that IFC has to offer. The econ bro who takes up too much space in your Gender Studies class, the “woke” philosophy major and that one guy in Wayne who almost went KA but “didn’t agree with the culture” have each scammed their parents out of $8,000 and, instead of investing in Campus Enterprises, bought us this sick tech.
The Community Edit Board recognizes that you may have many apps to turn to in your free time. But, c’mon, who wants to spend their three unscheduled minutes each day dancing ridiculously for an audience of 14-year-olds, swiping right on the patriarchy, or looking for a partner based on the compatibility of your resumes? Our app allows you to combine everything you love about Duke—the access, the exclusivity, the subtle, routine oppression—and omit everything you hate.
Of course, no app would be complete without people to promote it for a month before it fades into App Store-obscurity. That’s why we're looking for young, motivated Duke Students to join the Stumblers—our team of hardworking campus ambassadors! We can't promise you a Hummer, but no one will stop you from adding this to your LinkedIn as Leadership Experience. To apply, just find a way to justify membership in one of the following criteria and sign up at this link:
- Socially Liberal, Fiscally Conservative (Centrist Chads preferred)
- At risk of Sanders/Warren like wealth redistribution
- Yet secure in your upper class status
- Or just be famous
If you want to learn more about Stumble or our vision less coordinated campus community, check out our launch event this Saturday, October 5 on the left side of the East Campus Bridge. We’ll have performances from your favorite STR artists, the Dancing Devils and David Dobrik might even make an appearance. After it’s all over, you can fail to thank the cleaning staff for working much harder than their pay warrants and then, like every app that relies on young, aimless college students for promotion, fade (or stumble) back into normalcy. We'll be waiting.
Swipe with caution: in case you couldn't tell, this piece is a joke! Happy fall break(up) from the Community Editorial Board!
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