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New at Wellness Center: Group therapy sessions for former pre-meds

satire from Recess

<p>The offices for CAPS and DukeReach are located in the new Student Health and Wellness Center.&nbsp;</p>

The offices for CAPS and DukeReach are located in the new Student Health and Wellness Center. 

Are you or a loved one a former or current pre-medical student at Duke University? This new program may be right for you.

Launching in 2020, “Pre-medical, Pre-life” is a revolutionary therapeutic program wherein the few former pre-meds at Duke who are open about their status can come together and scream, cry in a fetal position and question each other’s legitimacy as Duke students in a padded four-by-four space in the Wellness Center. How rejuvenating!

“Pre-medical, Pre-life” was developed for and by former pre-meds whose triaging skills took  them as far as residency before dropping out upon realizing that they needed to triage themselves first. Maybe you’re wondering: Why choose this program out of all of Duke’s wellness sessions, like petting a dog, holding yourself upside down against a sweaty mat or using a Tibetan singing bowl to drown out the voices in your head? Well, unlike traditional group therapy sessions, “Pre-Med, Pre-Life” is focused on dealing with the nuanced turbulence of former pre-med students.

These are just a few of the services we offer:

Acceptance: We offer a judgement-free zone. No parents, no computer science majors questioning your prospects as a sOFt sCiENce major as they accept their $200k-a-year job at [insert bank/consulting firm/tech start-up here]. No childhood photos of you wearing a stethoscope. No cultural baggage of generations before you sacrificing so that you could become a doctor. Just... the warm hum of a Tibetan singing bowl and knowing smiles. We accept you for you.

Identity identification: We understand that you’ve brainwashed yourself for so many years to believe you actually don’t know of any careers outside of medicine, so we created specialized surveys to tease out the few hobbies you let die after high school and find that genuine personality hidden deep within you under Chem 101 notes. We know you are more than just a burned-out shell of a person.

Personalized career counseling: Our group leaders — a former monk and current owner of a Fortune 500 company, a senator-turned-actor, a Duke alum that won’t leave Duke and your older cousin who dropped out of high school — are experts at pivoting. Group sessions include mandatory resume rewriting, which will turn “12 years of volunteering at the hospital” into “12 years of managing personal relationships and coordinating executive developments” (at the hospital).

Crying space: We understand that this kind of seismic shift in your life trajectory will cause the tsunami of tears you’ve been keeping at bay since freshman year to crash into your body and knock you into a STINF. Instead of skipping Biology 201 to cry into your pillow as your roommate awkwardly grabs their bags, there is a soundproof two-way mirror in a room adjacent to the therapy box. There, you can let the tears wash away your poor decisions and lack of self-reflection early on, as cohorts from the other sessions watch from the other room. We want to expose them to the raw emotions of a real human being, not a Duke student.

If any of this resonates with you, we recommend you stop by the Wellness Center* now to receive a free medical evaluation, because the crises will come faster than you think. Then, accept the gentle “withdrawal” on your transcript, withdraw from your classes and try “Pre-Medical, Pre-Life,” because there’s more to life than what you think you’re preparing for. 

There is also a “build your own terrarium” session afterward.

*”Pre-med, Pre-life” now meets twice a week in the Duke Hospital. (The Wellness Center ran out of space — apparently the Former Computer Science Majors group needs the extra space). 

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