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Monday Monday's declassified O-Week survival guide

not not true

Welcome to Duke! As you settle in and get used to this new environment, you may feel overwhelmed. Luckily, your good buddy Monday Monday is here to assuage your fears by providing some fool-proof tips to surviving orientation week.

Tip #1: If you meet your roommate’s family while moving in, be sure to make a good impression. Sit in the room and do absolutely nothing while they unpack your roommate’s bedding and furniture. Your utter uselessness will ensure your invitation to their beach house during spring break.

Tip #2: Attend all the events. Literally all of them. Including other students’ academic advising meetings.

Tip #3: Harass the freshman basketball players during the class photo. This may be your only opportunity to interact with a celebrity in your life.

Tip #4: Prepare a fun fact. If you prepare one fun fact, then you will be prepared for all possible ice breakers. Please note that once you choose a single fun fact, this can be the only fun thing about you from now on.

Tip #5: Become best friends with your RA. I’m fairly certain there’s a rule in the RA handbook that they legally cannot arrest you for smoking weed in your room if you’re best friends.

Tip #6: Do not wear a lanyard! Do you want to look like a fool? Instead, forget your DukeCard and key every time you leave the room. You’re not cool until you text your beleaguered roommate whenever you need to enter the room.

Tip #7: Keep your room door open to encourage your hallmates to talk to you. Becoming friends with your hallmates is a good idea, because sometimes you need a place to crash when you forget your key (see tip #6) and your roommate isn’t back yet.

Tip #8: Another way to make hallmate friends is to “accidentally” enter rooms. “Oh, I thought this was my room,” you will say. “No silly,” they will say, and thus your friendship will blossom. (You should also perhaps learn social engineering skills.)

Tip #9: Attend a frat party. This is a good idea because it is now banned. There is nothing more academic than doing what you are not supposed to do.

Tip #10: Do not skip the True Blue sessions. That’s it, that’s the punchline.

Note that orientation week is about more than what you should do. It’s also about what you shouldn’t do! And do not, under any circumstances, take my advice seriously.

Monday Monday wants you to know that the most important part of O-Week is learning how to pace yourself at Marketplace. Just because you can eat a slice of pizza doesn’t mean you should.

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