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Rider app says closest C1 is in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, arriving in 234832490832409823 minutes

Rushing to your 10:05 class? Well, you might be a few eons late because the nearest C1 is in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. 

Its estimated time of arrival is 234832490832409823 minutes, or about 0.45 trillion years. According to Slowe Lee, director of parking and transportation services (PTS), the Rider app's prediction, shockingly, is correct.

"We decided to shift the C1's route this week to truly connect all of Duke's campuses," Lee wrote via Snapchat. "We felt that it was important that Duke Kunshan University, Duke-NUS Medical School in Singapore and even Duke in D.C. be able to experience the glory of PTS."

According to Lee, however, the real genius of the project is the collaboration between PTS and the Duke Marine Lab.

"It's quite a challenge to get an entire full-length Novabus LRS Artic I to autonomously travel from Durham to Singapore, especially since buses do not float," said Ona Bøaat, professor of the practice in environmental engineering. "We also wanted to be carbon neutral, so we ended up going with an experimental solar-sail design."

Although the modified C1 uses 100 percent renewable energy, the vehicle is only able to manage a top speed of 10 meters per hour, which explains the long wait time.

"We are hoping to get the maximum speed up to 120 meters per hour," said Osean Larj, a graduate student who worked on the project.

First-year Amber Mary Leigh Anne expressed outrage at the changes.

"Do they expect us to walk?" she wrote in a Bumble direct message.

Anne has started a petition on asking the administration to limit the C1 to domestic trips only.

"I mean, I still want to be able to get to D.C. easily to visit my boyfriend," she wrote. "He works at McKinsey."

In response, Lee noted that he wanted to remind everyone that PTS only changes bus routes after an extremely careful and lengthy ridership analysis. Plus, according to Lee, the weekend bus schedule has not been altered.

"You should still be able to get from East Campus to West Campus in no more than 193 minutes on the weekends, just like always," he wrote.

Riders currently aboard the C1 were unable to be reached for comment via satellite phone, VHF radio or message in a bottle.

Editor's note: Happy April Fool's Day! In case it wasn't clear, this is a satirical article for "The Chomicle." Check out more Chomicle content here.


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