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The revolution will not be Chronicle live-streamed

Before I came to college, I had midterms in high school. They happened during the middle of each semester and everyone spent about a week prepping for them. When the time came, we took the exams and wrote the papers, and then we were done until finals. It was simple and predictable. Back then, my life had rules. I thought that would last forever. Oh, how naive I was.

Here at Duke, we know the truth: midterm season never ends. There’s always another test just around the corner, another presentation that needs practicing, or a paper that demands work because they don’t just write themselves dammit. The constant assessment means we’re always driven to perform at our best, and the perfectionism legitimately drives some of us wack. 

But friends, don’t fear! While you were busy taking the L on that Orgo midterm or botching that thesis defense, other Blue Devils were winning big. So take a break from your studying and read this column where I summarize all the big wins your classmates had this past week! Maybe it’ll make you feel better about yourself by association? Who knows, but we’re doing this.

Student activism: 1, Repealing student healthcare: 0

So an affordable Duke lives to fight another day. After a rather tumultuous week filled with patchy communication and plans to slash student healthcare, the university decided not to go through with the plan. The Price, it turns out, was not right. That’s a huge win for student activism, DSG, affordability at Duke and all that other great stuff. 

So what have we learned? Keep your hands off our healthcare, I’d say. As I mentioned two weeks ago, trimming the budget is always hard work, but nobody wins when healthcare is on the table. Let’s be real though, planning to cut healthcare for low-income students, then realizing at the last minute that this goes against all of our stated values and hastily reversing course? Well, in the words of President Price, “That is, truly, what makes Duke Duke.”

Kentucky gets beat, Loop Bar gets lit

In the Duke store at Wallace Wade, there’s a quote from Coach K on the wall that reads, “A basketball team is like the five fingers on your hand. If you can get them all together, you have a fist.” That Duke fist beat the living daylights out of Kentucky last Tuesday. With a whopping 34 point win, the game immediately spawned a Duke blue wave of new memes targeting everything from Econ 101 to those poor souls at UNC who have to face us in February. Five fingers form a fist, but we’ve got our #SightsOnSix.

Apparently the bar at the Loop got pretty rowdy watching the game, which is kind of wild to imagine. Picture this: it’s a Tuesday night in November and you’re out of food points because you bought the smallest plan. Stupid! But Duke’s playing tonight, so you head down to the Loop bar because Krafthouse has a sporty vibe, and you’re a scholar not an athlete. 

You slide your DukeCard across the bar and order a local IPA (because you’re a hybrid hip/edgy teen). “Food points?” the bartender asks. “I’m out,” you say. The bartender shrugs. “Weird FLEX, but okay.” Stunned by his horrible pun, you proceed to get absolutely smashed and make an utter fool of yourself. But hey, we won!

The definition of “arbitrary:” Hyde House and Senate square up

Who is Duke Student Government? What is Duke Student Government? But most importantly, why is Duke Student Government … being sued? That question came to court a few weeks ago, with the selective social group Hyde House suing DSG Senate, arguing that they were treated unfairly during their hearing to become a chartered organization. Too long, didn’t read? They said, “We’d like to be an organization,” and Senate said, “Hmm, no thanks.” 

Hyde House didn’t much care for that, so they went to court. Luckily our local defenders of justice were there to adjudicate the matter properly. Cloaked in sharp black robes and an air of judicial mystique, the Judiciary had some exasperated words for Hyde House representatives like, “What the hell is this?” and “Is that even a legal argument?” and “You’ve got to be f***ing kidding me right now.” In the end, the Senate won and Hyde House had their Halloween party. Sometimes everybody gets a win.

If ya had the chance to change your [registration window], wouldja?

Have you satisfied all of your Trinity requirements? Did you know that areas of knowledge can’t stack, but modes of inquiry can? Have you considered that some courses are only offered in the Spring, even though they always fill up? These are the questions that make Duke students sweat bullets every time registration season comes around.

The story’s always the same. You’ve got a perfect class. It satisfies three requirements, fits perfectly with your schedule, and it’s been in your bookbag for weeks now. You wake up at 6:30 so you can walk to Perkins and use the computers there; the wired internet is faster, they say. When the clock strikes 7 a.m. you smash the enroll button, but wait, there was a slight lag! Now the class is full and you’re 27th on the waitlist. Oh, sweet summer child. DukeHub always wins.

Monday Monday would like to know, is it Thanksgiving yet? And is Thanksgiving even a break if you have to do work the entire time?

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