Following an uncharacteristic bout of silence, 300 Swift residents took to the Fix My Campus Facebook page in force last week to issue the latest surge of demands.
In an outpouring of views that even Cambridge Analytica would have a hard time sorting through, students took aim at not only the once-beloved butler Jeeves—who allegedly becomes cranky past 10 p.m.—but also Swift’s lack of an all-inclusive spa.
“Let’s tell the truth here,” wrote a servant on behalf of senior Reginald Watkins III on the Fix My Campus page. “Duke really must do something about the help around this place. I rang for the servants to prepare my bedchambers for rest at 2 a.m. last night, and it took them nearly 15 minutes to arrive.”
Other students echoed this perceived hostility of the staff. Jeeves, who was once “totally chill” and even known to frequent some Wayne parties from time to time, was allegedly slow to open the door for a group of sophomores returning from West Campus at midnight.
“Jeeves is the bane of my existence,” said one of the students, who preferred to remain anonymous out of fear of retaliation from the mean-spirited and misanthropic butler. “What am I supposed to do, open the door myself like some sort of West Campus simpleton?”
After bemoaning Jeeves became tiring, Swift resident representatives were forced to meet once again to establish a new complaining agenda.
“We had no ideas at first,” confessed the president of the Swift Complaint Club. “We didn’t feel like it was time to attack the Swift Express again, and the food truck schedule is a pretty boring topic—we needed something that would really get publicity and likes.”
By a unanimous 10-0 vote, the committee determined that the luxury apartment complex needed a spa and that the University should immediately take action. In an email sent to all Swift residents filled with talking points to insert into conversations, the committee outlined their reasoning.
“Let’s face it—this pool we have is useless during much of the winter, and the fact that HRL allowed the pool to be kept is an affront to the entire Duke community,” the memo read. “After our long walks up the hill, we need masseuses and aromatherapy to relieve us of our stressful and squalid living conditions—something that can only be provided by a luxury spa.”
One student, who was apparently not on the ListServ where 300 Swift students received their assigned complaints for the week, bemoaned the walk to Campus Drive and called for University action.
“The walk from the Campus Drive bus stop to 300 Swift is one of the most harrowing treks known to mankind,” said a professor in the mountaineering department. “Several serious mountaineering scholars have compared the ascent to climbing the North Face of Everest. It’s amazing these students can surmount such overwhelming obstacles—my heart goes out to them.”
In response to these serious scholarly studies, students have submitted their ideas to the administration. Proposals have included oxygen tanks to be made available by the Campus Drive bus stop, in addition to the hiring of Sherpas to help carry the students’ supplies during the ascent. If a student becomes incapacitated during the climb or descent, the Sherpa would also be able to ferry residents safely back to their room.
“I mean, Duke needs to do something about these filthy living conditions,” one student said. “Why is it that nobody cares about us?”
Editor's note: Happy April Fool's Day! In case it wasn't clear, this is a satirical article for "The Chomicle." Check out more Chomicle content here.
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