Today, Duke undergraduates will go to the polls to decide who will be DSG’s newest Vice President for Resume-Building. The new position of VP of RB is a direct creation of DSG’s Resume-Boosting Committee, which decided to expand the executive board starting this year as a way for the organization to include more civic-minded perspectives. On the ballot for the new DSG position are three extremely talented peers who all wish to make a difference in the world through student government: juniors Mikayla Johnson, Alex Blitz and first-year Paul Jones. After carefully considering the unique, extremely original platforms of each candidate, we strongly encourage the student body to rank Alex Blitz first when voting for VP of RB today. His platform, one that emphasizes inclusion and transparency, is one that we ultimately found to be extremely visionary and completely achievable within the span of one academic year.
Mikayla Johnson, the current DSG Secretary of Gender & Safe Spaces, impressed us with an extensive, three pronged platform aimed at making Duke more diverse, inclusive and safe for all students. Although a proud member of her sorority, she nonetheless recognizes the problems inherent within Greek life and knows she can solve them as VP through a aimed at providing more water bottles at frat parties. Moreover, if elected VP, Johnson promises to facilitate by formulating a separate, and completely independent branch of student government for all the non-Greek senators to join. Despite her extremely visionary vision for DSG, ultimately we decided that her platform did not include enough unrealistic political goals to truly warrant the position.
Paul Jones is the only first year running—as well as the only non-DSG affiliated candidate. Despite possessing absolutely no institutional knowledge of DSG and its convoluted bureaucratic structure, he insists that while such qualities may appear to be hindrances, they are actually his greatest assets. His platform prioritizes a promise to make the student governmental body more transparent by dissolving it entirely. Jones noted that after dissolving DSG, he would appoint himself supreme commander of Duke and redirect SOFC funds toward far more important issues like building a new two-story, heated housing complex for Peaches and funding university-subsidized memes. If elected VP, he most looks forward to being the first one to try the new Latin vendor on campus, which he admits is the main reason he is running. Ultimately, we decided against endorsing Paul because his vision is one that probably sounds the most realistic among all three candidates.
Ultimately, we selected Alex Blitz for our endorsement because of his great work as a senator for the Non-Academic Affairs Committee and his uncanny ability to hide his egregious personal politics long enough for us to already agree to endorse him. While his connections to a notoriously exclusive Selective Living Group are dubious at best, he made up for it with his deeply personal insights into the many economic struggles faced by students on financial aid. As a Lawrenceville alum and a current A.B Duke scholar, Jones insists that he can deeply relate to the many hurdles and crippling socioeconomic realities that need-based financial aid students currently face. Consequently, when voting today, we highly encourage the student body to rank Blitz first. We believe that his vision for Duke will probably be the one that sounds most impressive on a resume.
In case you couldn't tell, this was a joke editorial! Have a great spring break!
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