A 100-year evolutionary anthropology study on the genetic mutations of Duke’s administration has produced findings that have rocked this campus to its very core. The report comes at an awkward time for the administration, facing tough questions over the closing down of K-ville as well as last week’s bombshell revelation that Duke’s most controversial rapper—Executive Vice President Tallman Trask—is still employed by this university. Monday Monday sat down with the scientist behind the research to see what it all meant.
“Before I go on the record, I’d just like to make one thing crystal clear. Your column has made a number of mistakes in the past few weeks regarding whether or not various departments at Duke have won Nobel Prizes; my department has not, so please make absolutely sure that your article reflects this,” said Felonious Dimples the Third, a professor at Duke’s Nobel Prize-winning Department of Evolutionary Anthropology.
“When we looked back over the past century, we found administrators that were capable of standing on their own two feet and holding their heads up high. Whether it was the officials that led this university through its struggles during WWII, the administration that allowed the cohabitation of men and women in Trinity College, or the pioneers that finally integrated African-Americans into our student body, Duke’s most respected administrations all have a common denominator: spines.”
“But X-rays show that over the past two generations administration officials have miraculously evolved to survive despite losing every single vertebra in their spines. It has advanced to such a dire stage that they are now utterly devoid of anything even vaguely resembling a backbone. Biologically speaking, it’s what we would call an epidemic of invertebrates. Institutionally speaking, it’s a f**king s**tshow.”
Chilling words indeed from Dimples III, but the administration was quick to defend its honour and, within hours, had called a retaliatory press conference.
First up to bat was Larry Moneta, Vice President of Student Affairs, who came under heavy fire for his decision to close down K-ville last week owing to health concerns. He crawled up to the stage as an elderly inchworm might, his spineless body straining under the vast weight of a 90-pound HAZMAT suit. Although muffled by a helmet the size of a small child, his voice still seemed quietly defiant:
“Hear me out—I heard from a friend’s daughter’s ex-boyfriend’s aunt’s gardener’s son-in-law’s urologist’s second cousin Bethany that she saw someone sneeze into her order at ABP one time. If that’s not doomsday I don’t know what is; I had no choice but to take precautions and splooge Purell™ all over those big boy tents. Make no mistake, students: the grim reaper is at your doorstep—well technically, he’s awkwardly fumbling with your tent flap zipper. The point is this: you’re welcome.”
Next up to the plate—like a slug on Xanax—was Michael Schoenfeld, Duke’s Vice President for Public Affairs and author of The New York Times #1 bestseller “Let’s Have A Muslim Call To Prayer! Actually Scratch That: Let’s Never Talk About It Ever Again.”
“Hold up guys—I’m just the mouthpiece for the administration. If you want to actually talk to someone with a semblance of authority, call the number for the Allen Building—that’ll put you through to an automated calling system—then dial “4” to make a donation larger than $500,000, and you’ll finally get through an intern named Preston who makes coffee for Price. We like to think it’s a pretty effective method of communication between the administration and its students.”
Having come under fire for not speaking out when the Trask controversy initially erupted across campus in 2016, President Emeritus Richard Brodhead was the last to address reporters. He wriggled to the stage like a soggy banana—skin intact, but clearly lacking any internal structure—to say:
"
."
Wow! They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but it seems like curling up into a ball of silent apathy is worth a thousand more!
Tragically unable to be present, owing to yet another meeting with his lawyers, Tallman Trask—your very own Executive Vice-President and four-time “PR Dumpster Fire of the Year” award winner—was only able to respond by sending a telegram reminiscent of the good ol’ days that read: “STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK MY BONES BUT SCHLONKING PEOPLE WITH MY PORSCHE IS STILL MY FAVORITE HOBBY.”
The only person suspiciously absent from the proceedings was Duke’s new president, Vincent E. Price. Despite the university’s official stance (“This administration does not negotiate with satirists”) Monday Monday was able to secure an interview with the president, holed up in the Allen Building.
The man that had once pledged in an email to the student body never to “violate our longstanding commitment to open inquiry” now sat closed off in his office, slumped nervously in his Lumbar Support Plus™ desk chair. The words Price had penned a mere three weeks ago—“Let us not deny those who promulgate challenging ideas their own right and responsibility to defend them.”— floated back to haunt him as he found himself incapable of handling the very real responsibility of defending his own administration’s stance. Visibly shaken, he looked more uncomfortable than when Tallman Trask walked into the wrong movie theatre and accidentally sat through "Moonlight."
He sat, gazing wistfully at the press release covering his decision to remove the Robert E. Lee statue, basking in the warm memory of what if felt like to have a clean conscience. After five minutes of awkward silence he finally snapped back to reality. When Monday Monday asked him to explain the difference between removing Trask versus removing Robert E. Lee from campus, Price searched fruitlessly through his drawers for a moral compass before wearily replying, “Oh come on, that’s a silly comparison. One is an old Southern gentleman with a clearly documented history of crime that Duke has regrettably spent years tacitly defending and the other is Robert E. Lee.”
Unable to mount any further defence and exhausted from the exertion of saying just a few dozen words on the matter, Price sagged back into his chair and ordered Monday Monday to be removed from his office.
Make no mistake: these are dark days at Duke. But with springtime just around the corner, students can at least take comfort in that they will soon have a sweet new meme to enjoy: giant inchworm or administration official?
Correction: Monday Monday earlier stated mistakenly that Duke’s Department of Evolutionary Anthropology was “Nobel Prize-winning”; as of yet the department has been awarded no such title but Monday Monday is optimistic that if they just keep adding the fattest Fred Flintstones they can find to their Pokédexes something will definitely come along soon.
Monday Monday has now received several letters from dead horses complaining that they are being unduly beaten and has taken their words to heart. This is, without a doubt, the last time this kind of error will occur.
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